One down
One paranoid thought was laid to rest yesterday. I called my bank and they assured me I was on the list to receive a new checkcard, they just haven't mailed them out yet. One intrusive thought down, many more to go.
I was late to my T appointment. I thought I had another half hour before I had to leave, but when I got out of the shower I looked at the clock and realized I should have left 20 mins earlier. Oops. No idea where my head was at. Up my ass maybe? I did call her and tell her I'd be late. Wanted to smack myself upside the head for being so stupid. I hate being late, it's irresponsible.
I cried again in her presence. That is really starting to annoy me cuz I feel like a twit every time it happens. I was explaining about the paranoid thoughts and this wave of sadness washed over me. Don't know where it came from but next thing I knew tears were streaming down my face. When I want to cry I can't, but when I don't want to cry I can't stop myself. Fucking fubar shit.
I really need to stop staying up all night. Been up til 3 or 4 am most nights so I've been getting nothing done all day cuz I'm usually sleeping til 2 pm. It's just after 1 am now, suppose I should just take my Seroquel now...that way I won't have a choice but to go to bed in about half an hour when it kicks in. If I stay up past that, I'll be dizzy and nauseous.
4 Comments:
Hi Sid! I'm back. It's good to catch up with your blog again. I wasn't able to check your blog when I was home because I was too paranoid my parents will find your blog and others and eventually link to mine.
I hate being late too. But sometimes, when there's so much on our minds, we simply lose track of time. Don't beat yourself up over it....
Take care
Polar
Good news on the bank card. One less thing to worry about, right?
As for staying up too late, I am guilty of it, too. If I didn't have this freaking job, I'd definitely sleep past noon every day. I feel like that's the way it's supposed to be...
Im up all night as well, just never feel like sleeping.
Is paranoia part of a depressive disorder? I too feel my familys talking about me behind my back and I wonder if people are reading my blog and laughing or that Im being studied like some sort of a project.
I havnt read anything about paranoia being linked to
depression, seems odd.
I dont think I could let my feelings out like that in therapy, I would have to know them for quite awhile and feel very comfortable with them.
I think its good that you can let your feelings out that way, you probably cant do that very much with family and friends uh? I know I couldnt. Its a good thing you have a therapist you feel comfortable with and can open up too, it must help to get those things out.
Billy
We cry in places of safety. What we really want, I think, is the permission to crumble in the face of the overwhelming rebukes and unsaid taunts that come not just from the rubberized and racheted mouths of the crowd, but also from a place above and behind our own throats.
Oh, it's hard, so very hard. So cry when you must. It's no sin, no sign of weakness.
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