Tuesday, March 28, 2006

One down

One paranoid thought was laid to rest yesterday. I called my bank and they assured me I was on the list to receive a new checkcard, they just haven't mailed them out yet. One intrusive thought down, many more to go.

I was late to my T appointment. I thought I had another half hour before I had to leave, but when I got out of the shower I looked at the clock and realized I should have left 20 mins earlier. Oops. No idea where my head was at. Up my ass maybe? I did call her and tell her I'd be late. Wanted to smack myself upside the head for being so stupid. I hate being late, it's irresponsible.

I cried again in her presence. That is really starting to annoy me cuz I feel like a twit every time it happens. I was explaining about the paranoid thoughts and this wave of sadness washed over me. Don't know where it came from but next thing I knew tears were streaming down my face. When I want to cry I can't, but when I don't want to cry I can't stop myself. Fucking fubar shit.

I really need to stop staying up all night. Been up til 3 or 4 am most nights so I've been getting nothing done all day cuz I'm usually sleeping til 2 pm. It's just after 1 am now, suppose I should just take my Seroquel now...that way I won't have a choice but to go to bed in about half an hour when it kicks in. If I stay up past that, I'll be dizzy and nauseous.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Hi Sid! I'm back. It's good to catch up with your blog again. I wasn't able to check your blog when I was home because I was too paranoid my parents will find your blog and others and eventually link to mine.

I hate being late too. But sometimes, when there's so much on our minds, we simply lose track of time. Don't beat yourself up over it....

Take care

2:08 PM, March 28, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

Good news on the bank card. One less thing to worry about, right?

As for staying up too late, I am guilty of it, too. If I didn't have this freaking job, I'd definitely sleep past noon every day. I feel like that's the way it's supposed to be...

8:22 PM, March 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im up all night as well, just never feel like sleeping.

Is paranoia part of a depressive disorder? I too feel my familys talking about me behind my back and I wonder if people are reading my blog and laughing or that Im being studied like some sort of a project.
I havnt read anything about paranoia being linked to
depression, seems odd.

I dont think I could let my feelings out like that in therapy, I would have to know them for quite awhile and feel very comfortable with them.
I think its good that you can let your feelings out that way, you probably cant do that very much with family and friends uh? I know I couldnt. Its a good thing you have a therapist you feel comfortable with and can open up too, it must help to get those things out.


10:55 PM, March 28, 2006  
Blogger Joel said...

We cry in places of safety. What we really want, I think, is the permission to crumble in the face of the overwhelming rebukes and unsaid taunts that come not just from the rubberized and racheted mouths of the crowd, but also from a place above and behind our own throats.

Oh, it's hard, so very hard. So cry when you must. It's no sin, no sign of weakness.

11:41 PM, March 28, 2006  

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