Monday, March 27, 2006

Paranoid

I've begun having the paranoid thoughts again. I'm paranoid that my bank is canceling my Visa checkcard and that's why I haven't received a new one yet. That they are going to close my account altogether because of the impending bankruptcy and the debt the ex owes them.

I'm paranoid that our little getaway this week will turn into a disaster because I will run out of money and we won't be able to even eat.

I'm paranoid that someone has hacked into my computer and so I randomly shut it off in hopes of disconnecting them.

Paranoid that my family is secretly planning something behind my back like kicking me out of the house.

Paranoid that the people I call my friends actually all know each other and I'm just some weird experiment they're working on, like I'm some freak show attraction to them.

Paranoid because I hear whispers around me, and I think they are talking about me.

I've been paranoid that the ex is dating or at least fucking someone else.

I have no evidence that any of the above is fact. I keep trying to convince myself that they aren't true, that it is just paranoia. But there's that part of me I can't get thru to. Can't get it to believe this isn't reality. A part that keeps making these accusations in my head and I can't get it to shut up.

2 Comments:

Blogger Joel said...

Oh, I hate those Sid. You sound like me in my worst days. We finally had to cancel my VISA card because of the mess I was making of my life through it. But you know what? I feel free.

So, don't give up, OK?

3:26 PM, March 27, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

Try to focus on the now, Sid. Enjoy the moment. The sun rays shining in your face, the weather warming up, the smile on your daughter's face... Forget the what-ifs. They don't exist because you live in the now.

4:35 PM, March 27, 2006  

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