Sunday, March 19, 2006

Powerful secrets

There are some pretty powerful secrets revealed on PostSecret this week. The one with the razor blade really struck me. It's not even the words that accompanied the blade, it was the blade itself that I couldn't take my eyes off of. Probably just drawn to it because it is my own weapon of choice.

I've often thought of sending one of my own secrets in, but I have no idea what I'd reveal or what I'd say about it. So for now, and probably for a long time to come, my skeletons will stay locked away.

Haven't really been up to much. It was a fairly benign week. Yesterday was my niece's birthday party, so I was gone half the day. I couldn't handle being there. I tried to enjoy myself, but the noise eventually got to me. I immediately crawled into bed when I got home. Overcome by emotional exhaustion. I think I slept some until it was time to pick my daughter up from the movies. Not sure if it was really sleep or just dissociating. I didn't feel rested upon getting up, like I'd taken a nap. Maybe I just closed off my mind to the world.

I can't wait until tomorrow when Ms. N picks apart my weekly tracker. From Thursday on I listed the emotions as zero, meaning I've felt nothing. No joy, no misery, no anything. I'm not depressed or thinking of harming myself in anyway. The moments when I know I should be feeling happy, I'm really feeling empty. Maybe I've just been suppressing, but it doesn't feel that way either. Avoiding maybe? Who knows. I'm sure she'll have some psycho-analytical response for my lack of emotion.

Next week is Spring Break so I know I'll be keeping busy. No real plans yet other than to wander the streets of Chicago, though I'm sure we'll end up at the Shedd Aquarium to see the dolphins. Not sure if I should plan anything because then I'll feel trapped into doing it all and end up provoking my anxiety. But yet I'm afraid of not having anything planned for fear we won't get out of the house. Guess I should start by seeing how much, if any, money we have to spend. As it nears the end of the month, the bank balance dwindles and I still need to make my car payment.

I managed to talk to my Medicaid caseworker on Friday about what happens April 1st when my Medicare kicks in. He said because I'm disabled and based on my monthly income, Medicare will be primary and Medicaid secondary. He said for now all I had to do was mail him a copy of my Medicare card. I put that in the mail Saturday, along with a copy of the letter I got from Social Security showing my monthly payment being reduced by the $88.50 premium I have to pay for Medicare Part B. Just trying to be a little proactive because I figure he'll come back to me at some point to find out what they're paying me.

This week I need to figure out this whole Medicare Part D prescription coverage stuff. Supposedly I will automatically be transferred into a plan that covers my meds until I make a final choice. But I read an article online about the Part D program running into yet another snafu on April 1st, just as it did January 1st when it originally went into effect. All I know is I need to be able to get my meds for next to nothing like I do now. Paying $3 a month is something I can actually afford.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Postsecret.

The things I don't like are knives and razors, so maybe that's why I've never cut. Don't know. Do know that when I've accidentally cut myself while cooking, I HATE that feeling. One time a coffee mug broke in my hand while I was washing it and I passed out from shock, I suppose ... got up and vomited afterwards. That's how much of a wimp I am when it comes to blood.

The weekly tracker pull-apart doesn't sound like fun.

Maybe there's sites or newspapers there that list free activities ... my local paper had a list of things like a walk around a lake, markets, classes and that kind of thing -- only I STILL haven't got myself out of here to do any of it ;)

10:31 AM, March 20, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

hey Sid:

i had to laugh at your post where i went ballistic on the asshole who dissed MrsHOH's grandbaby. you could never get on my bad side; if anything, i would hate to ever get on yours!

i have had that "flat" feeling too -- not depressed, not overly happy happy joy joy, but just, well "flat," devoid of emotion. i dunno if that's a good or bad thing, but i guess it's better than nothing.

remember a while back i think i told you about getting free passes to some of Chicago's major venues -- i.e., the Aquarium, Planetarium, mostly all the museums. you check 'em out like you do a library book and return them on the date that's stamped on the pass. maybe you and daughter can look into that.

at any rate, i've missed chatting with ya on Yahoo IM...hope we get a chance to chat soon.

take care of you and give your daughter a big hug from me *smile*


11:34 AM, March 20, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

My burn marks are getting better from "the incident" a few weeks back. Razors seem to leave less of a mark.

12:57 PM, March 20, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I hate the plan/don't plan cycle. It end's up just holding me hostage and then I run out of time and don't end up doing anything. I'm famous for canceling at the last minute. I hope the numb feeling at least gets you by for now. That's where I usually am. Just a blank screen. It's not any fun but I'll take it over being suicidally depressed. Ugh.

3:47 PM, March 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didnt know you were on medicare.
Im glad your recieving income.

I know therapy must be difficult, its hard to know what to say when you dont feel anything and their always trying to pry things out of you. One of the reasons I dont want to go into therapy.
Ill see ya Sid.


4:33 PM, March 20, 2006  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

The postcard I couldn't stop looking at was the one about sleeping with the lights on. I moved away from Chicago about 7 yrs. ago. The Lincoln Park Zoo is still free, right? Maybe too cold for that tho (Chicago winters kicked my butt 'til I moved). I used to like to go to that conservatory there this time of year, too. It was great to see some blooming flowers and get some warmth, humidity & oxygen!

11:49 PM, March 20, 2006  
Blogger Joel said...

I don't do knives or razors either.

I ragged about a site where the fellow collected stories of folks in sorry states so that he could show others that there were people who were worse off than they were. It's just a stupid voyeurism and I am not going to glorify it with my contributions. The same holds true for PostSecret.

Just be yourself, here on this blog, where the people who come aren't seeking a freak show but a friend.

7:57 PM, March 21, 2006  

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