In my shell

Crawling into the safety of my shell again. Distancing myself from others. Refusing to feel because I haven't a clue how to handle emotions. Still upset over yesterday's events, but trying to ignore the pain.

I left a message for my therapist at 1 am explaining what happened in group. Told her I wasn't expecting a call back, I just wanted to make her aware of the situation. She respected my wishes and didn't call. She had wanted to talk about it yesterday at the end of group because I had told them I was very disturbed by the video. Didn't want to talk about it in front of the others though; and I didn't want to take up her time talking about it after group. I'm sure she had a long day that didn't need to be extended simply because I was so emotionally triggered.

Tried to distract today by going thru the stack of papers on my desk. Wrote out a to do list that I hope to be able to work on the rest of the week. Trying to step into that grey area and accept that not everything needs to be done right away, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Figuring ways to break down some of the larger tasks like the whole Medicare/Medicaid debacle and the bankruptcy. I'll try to devote an hour to each task, do what I can in that time and then set it aside for the next day to work on it some more. I have little confidence I can do that, but it is my goal.

The depression is bad today. Facing the fact that I have no one I can really open up to, which is why I've retreated into the shell. There's no one I can allow myself to trust. No one I'm close enough to that understands. It's hard to feel so alone in the world. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. So many lost souls wandering without direction. The reality of it all is too painful to dwell on. I'll hide away til I feel calm enough to poke my head out again.