Wednesday, March 08, 2006

In my shell

Crawling into the safety of my shell again. Distancing myself from others. Refusing to feel because I haven't a clue how to handle emotions. Still upset over yesterday's events, but trying to ignore the pain.

I left a message for my therapist at 1 am explaining what happened in group. Told her I wasn't expecting a call back, I just wanted to make her aware of the situation. She respected my wishes and didn't call. She had wanted to talk about it yesterday at the end of group because I had told them I was very disturbed by the video. Didn't want to talk about it in front of the others though; and I didn't want to take up her time talking about it after group. I'm sure she had a long day that didn't need to be extended simply because I was so emotionally triggered.

Tried to distract today by going thru the stack of papers on my desk. Wrote out a to do list that I hope to be able to work on the rest of the week. Trying to step into that grey area and accept that not everything needs to be done right away, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Figuring ways to break down some of the larger tasks like the whole Medicare/Medicaid debacle and the bankruptcy. I'll try to devote an hour to each task, do what I can in that time and then set it aside for the next day to work on it some more. I have little confidence I can do that, but it is my goal.

The depression is bad today. Facing the fact that I have no one I can really open up to, which is why I've retreated into the shell. There's no one I can allow myself to trust. No one I'm close enough to that understands. It's hard to feel so alone in the world. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. So many lost souls wandering without direction. The reality of it all is too painful to dwell on. I'll hide away til I feel calm enough to poke my head out again.


Blogger Joel said...

I hope you'll find some resolution here. Groups can be either a blessing or a curse. The feelings they arouse are often painful and often not properly handled by the leaders.

Whether or not this serves your recovery, don't give up on your recovery.

12:42 AM, March 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Slowly does it ... I'm taking that approach myself ... a little here and there makes the difference. I do know what you mean about being on your own ... I'm not connected to anything or anyone and during my down times is when I really feel alienated and in need of something that just isn't there.

The post about having confessed to faking "wellness" to avoid ECT put a smile on my face. That would have given the doc something to think about.

7:27 AM, March 09, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

Sid, i know this sounds lame, but please dont think that you are alone hon. i'm only an email away and i try to leave my IM open if you want to chat. i know how it feels to want to just hide away from the world. been feeling like that myself lately. so YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

i understand you have trust issues right now, and it's difficult to open up to anyone. all i can say is that i'm here if you want to talk or if you want to send me an e-mail.

as far as tasks to be done, pace yourself hon. i remember you told me that, and it worked. if you feel like even that isnt working for you, try again the next day.

sending you big hugs & much love

10:09 AM, March 09, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

Feeling all alone in this world is the worst feeling there is. You're surrounded by people, but somehow you can't reach out to them. I was so happy to find the blogging world because I felt closer to strangers there than I felt to people I had known in real life. We're here for you, Sid. Open up to us if you want. And keep writing, whether in your journals or in this blog, to help relieve yourself of some of the heavy burdens you carry.

10:35 AM, March 10, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Take your time in this quiet place. Sounds like so much is going on and being in a shell could be a good thing.


3:11 PM, March 10, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Hope you're back out of yours. I'm heading into mine for awhile.

9:43 PM, March 13, 2006  

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