Monday, March 13, 2006

Crying in pain

Today was one of those days when you ask yourself "Why the fuck did I get out of bed?" There were reasons of course...the kiddie needed to get to school and she probably would have been blown away by the high winds had she walked, plus I had an appointment with Ms. N. Trying to adhere to my commitments is the only thing that got me up. Had there been nothing on the schedule, I would never have ventured out of bed.

The depression, the emotional pain that I feel to the depths of my soul, has been unbearable today. The unrelenting tears since seeing Ms. N have also been difficult to deal with. Just wanted to drug myself to sleep so I didn't have to feel. Didn't have to hurt. Afraid of going too far and overdosing again is the only thing that kept me away from the stash.

I cried in her office, really cried this time. I tried so hard to put that wall up, to block off the emotions, but I was unsuccessful. She could see what I was trying to do, so I think she pushed a little bit harder than usual, to throw me off balance. Pushed me to feel the pain, the sadness. To acknowledge its presence for once. What I feared most happened though. Once I began to feel, I couldn't shut it off. Couldn't find the strength to build the wall up fast enough to hold back the flood of emotions I knew would come out.

So here I still cry. I still feel things I've denied myself from feeling all these years. Swallowed by a mass of emotions I haven't a clue how to handle. Grieving over everything I've lost or never had. Experiencing the pain of rejection from my mother all over again and wondering why she couldn't love me. Mourning the loss of John and of my surrogate father. Crying over the love I lost from my ex. All the old wounds ripped wide open in the blink of an eye.

I'd rather she had stabbed me. It would have been far less painful.

11 Comments:

Blogger mizeeyore said...

aw, hon, i wish i could take away your pain ((((((((((((Sid)))))))))))

i know how it feels to shed tears that somehow seem to literally rip your soul to shreds, oh god it hurts sooo much. i remember when i cried gut-wrenching tears in my therapist's office because of all the pain, anger and hurt i'd been feeling for years, like a boil that finally burst. yes, i have been there.

my heart goes out to you hon. actually, it's good you finally released those emotions and gave yourself permission to cry. i feel myself starting to well up from reading your post. it's like i can feel everything you are feeling, and i wish i was there to comfort you, but all i have are words, which i hope will give you some comfort in knowing that i care, as do others who post comments.

you are not alone babe...i'm just an e-mail or IM away if you need to talk, rant, cry, that's okay.

i'll try to be here for you as much as i can.

Big hugs,
(((((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))))
genelle

1:24 PM, March 14, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

This is good for you, Sid. Cry all your want, dear. They say crying is good for the soul.

Warm hugs,
Cinthia

6:12 PM, March 14, 2006  
Blogger ECLIPSE said...

Sid, I'm sorry the pain is so overwhelming for you right now ... please remember that the intensity of your emotions will pass and please look after yourself.

BIG BIG HUGS ... Jane

4:33 AM, March 15, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

(((((((SID))))))))

When that would happen to me i would cry-- sometimes for days-- then sleep--sometimes for days--and then feel lighter. it was like the pains were still there but in their dehydrated form they took up less room and were lighter to carry.

I think you should be proud of yourself--you did not reach for your stash. you are getting stronger. i can feel it in the words of support you write to others, i can feel it in the clarity of your words.

one thing you said really got me...
Grieving over everything I've ... never had. It was like you turned on a light switch in my darkness that allowed me to look around and see myself. THANKS

6:55 AM, March 15, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today either. I was in terrible shape and I knew it and therapy didn't help a bit.

I want to give you a big bear hug with Miz E. You can cry on my should sweetie. Maybe we can all jump into your bed, cry and watch movies. :)

11:35 AM, March 15, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Sid, crying is good for the soul. I am like you, though, I am NOT one to cry. I hold it all in. And when one tear falls they all start falling and can't stop.

I know how that feels.

8:42 PM, March 15, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Thinking of you.

9:23 PM, March 15, 2006  
Blogger LeighAnn said...

Sid,

I know how you feel. You need to try to change what you are thinking when you can feel yourself going in that direction. Start thinking about something that brings you peace of happiness. Don't allow yourself to get too deep. As soon as you notice, change your thought process.

I know it's hard, believe me, I know.

You need to tell yourself over and over that you are a strong person and you can live this life without fear or depression. Even self talking to the depression, because it isn't there to hurt you. It is weirdly trying to protect you. So you tell it "Thank you for trying to help my, but I am ok right now." Acknowledge it being there and that you appreciate it trying to help you. It's strange how that works but it does.

I hope this helps and if not........I send you a HUGE loving hug instead!

8:25 AM, March 16, 2006  
Blogger the depressed nurse said...

Oh Sid, I'm so sorry! Wish I could be there for ya and tell you that I care. Just stay strong and take one day at a time.

1:46 PM, March 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your having a bad time, Im so sorry its so bad. Go ahead and cry, get it all out.
Keep talking to your therapist. Im glad she listens to you and is helpful, thats important. Keep talking to her, tell her everyting, it should help you to get it all out.

Your in bad shape I know, I understand, honest I do. Its hard I know and we just have to take it day by day and hang on as best we can no matter how hard it is we have to keep struggling.

You have so much potential. You could really do something with your life. I know this. Theres something about you, I know you could go far. I know you have it in you.

Please hang in there. Still praying for you. I know youll be ok.

See ya,
huggs,
Billy

8:25 PM, March 16, 2006  
Blogger marie said...

Sid/Genelle Last summer I had my emotional meltdown. It started at work and it continued in my thearpists office and ended up at home. I think I cried off an on for about 12 hours. I wrote a poem about it called "why she cries" I am going to send it to you. Just remember you are NEVER alone.

11:54 PM, March 16, 2006  

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