Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Still an alien

Yesterday's visit with Ms. N included the topic of relating to other people and my lack of ability to trust. The relating to others particularly has been such a battle for me lately that I haven't been able to comment much on other people's blogs and I actually unsubscribed from an online support group I had belonged to for about a year.

I don't quite know what's wrong and what triggered all this. But it seems like my inability to relate to other humans is blatantly being waved in my face almost constantly. Still feeling like an alien, there's really no other way to describe it. I don't want to feel this way though. It's very disturbing, very isolating, very abnormal.

Which brings me group today. I'm sitting there listening to the other women talking about their lives and thinking "I have absolutely nothing in common with these people". I don't even think all of them have a diagnosis of BPD because at this clinic they allow people with other illnesses to join the group.

Besides myself, there were four other people tonight. Two are older women in their late 50's early 60's. Both are married with grown kids. Every word these two speak seems completely contradictory to the persona they give off. One is always saying her life is complete misery with no joy at all, yet every week she's there with a smile, laughing and joking around. The other says she gets angry a lot and yells, but she's so mousy and cries over the littlest things it's hard to believe her voice ever goes above a loud whisper.

The other two are about my age, late 30's early 40's. Both are married to abusive men, though I get the feeling one has at least been smart enough to separate from hers. They both love to talk and have the group be all about their problems and all these horrible things their husbands do to them.

What do I have in common with any of them? Other than going to the same group, not a damn thing. How can I relate to someone I have nothing in common with? Emotionally and mentally I can't connect with any of them on any level. Our life issues seem to be completely different. None of them has once mentioned anything that I can say "I can so relate" to.

Is it just me or do other people have this lack of connection too? I've heard these women say to each other "I understand". I'm as far from understanding any of their statements as I would be if they were speaking some foreign language. It has to be me. Not sure why, but I just feel it has to be me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where I had a meltdown over my home stuff not so long ago, when I kind of came back to my senses again after days of raging I had that bizarre disconnected feeling ... really disconnected from everything and not even feeling *myself* anymore ... not even my home felt familiar.

Overall, I find it hard to connect with ppl in any meaningful way. I don't know that it's because our lives are so different ... I think I hold myself back and use that as an excuse not to get involved. Find it particularly hard to get involved on a deeper level with women ... not that my relationships with guys have been particularly *deep* ... but there is a "disarmed" feeling there with men that I don't have with women.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Sid. Yeah, it's hard connecting. But sometimes ppl do surprise you ... if you can tolerate the annoying bits, sometimes there's good stuff to tap into when you look past the things that seem alien, boring, suburban, inconsequential or whatever. It may not be anything of earth-shattering proportions, but I think there's always something new to discover ... and ppl do have some amazing stories and experiences (eg some of the most drug-fucked, feral women I've come across living on the fringes have struck me as amazing and valuable human beings once I got past the prejudices etc.

Sorry ... I'll stop this rambling. :-)

10:24 AM, March 22, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

The image they portray on the outside may not be who they really are on the inside. It may just be another facade to hide behind. I'm finding myself struggling with that in the blog world. It seems people think of me as being confident, happy and fun, when in fact, I'm like the total opposite. sigh.

7:58 PM, March 22, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

well i can relate to what you write very well. i actually had a similar experience the one time i had group therapy--we all had such a multitude of issues and i felt like i could deal with any of theirs if i was given a chance (except the guy who was molested as a child, i'm not sure i could handle that but he and i could relate about how early sexual experience colors your intimate sexual interactions, but we discovered that commonality outside of group)

and i'd have to agree with cinthia about the persona thing. i wear my mask well most of the time. people would never know

9:06 PM, March 22, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

i agree with cinthia about the persona too. i can put on a good mask.

when i was 18 (and knew I was different) I wrote a poem called "What mask am I wearing now?"

I have trust issues too...

9:42 PM, March 22, 2006  
Blogger Joel said...

I hear you. In the support group I'm taking a vacation from, I get the feeling that they have a very different idea of what we're there for. And I am running on the fear that I'm screwing things up again, that I am alienating good people and I don't know why.

We get lonely in this disease, even when we're with others. I get to wondering about support groups when someone bites my head off for no reason -- it seems that I am the only one out there to whom this happens and I don't like it. Why don't they attack other people?

10:27 PM, March 22, 2006  

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