No more benefits

So I finally did it. I told him today that I couldn't be his "friend with benefits" any more. That it is just too confusing for me to have that line between friends and relationship so blurred and undefined. It was different in the beginning, when we first met, because we had no history between us. But now that we've had the history, the love, the marriage, the lies, the split, it just isn't healthy for me to maintain merely a sexual relationship with him.

He respected my decision and understood, at least that's what he said. He also said that neither of us is ready to be locked into a relationship again right now (nice of him to assume that of me). The thing I keep wondering about, because he's said that many times, is when will "we" be ready? He has expressed no interest in getting help for his bipolar nor marriage counseling to begin rebuilding a foundation of trust. It's like we're in this constant state of limbo, when is it time to just let go?

I watched Dr. Phil's show on Monday titled "I want my ex back". It's really been fueling a lot of internal dialogue about what the hell I'm hoping for or expecting. From the outside the answer seems so obvious, but it's all the emotional connections that are confusing the situation for me. Just brings me to the title of that borderline book "I hate you...Don't leave me". I don't necessarily hate him anymore, though I know those feelings could easily come to the surface again if the circumstances were right. But I can't seem to let go either.

Before him, I'd done so well in avoiding relationships because I knew they were messy and confusing. I sat back and watched all these dramas unfold in front of me as my friends engaged in the whole dating game. I honestly wanted no part of it. I figured life was difficult enough without throwing more crap onto the pile. Now I wish I had never ventured into this territory of being in love with someone.

"It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I say bullfuckingshit. It's better to never have had your heart ripped out and stomped on.