Almost, but got lucky

Almost didn't meet with Mr. Pdoc today because the woman that called me to reschedule from yesterday didn't remember to put my name on his schedule for 10:45 this morning. Luckily she remembered calling me and got me squeezed in without too much of a wait.

The pdoc seemed concerned about the paranoid thoughts. I did tell him I've been trying to challenge them and that I know they aren't based in reality, but that I still can't get them out of my head. Didn't even want to mention them for fear that he'd give me yet another diagnosis to further grind in the fact that I'm defective but I wanted to be as honest as possible. When I told him about the cellphone and the bums downtown as ways for people to track me he asked why anyone would want to do that. I said cuz I'm crazy and they want to know where I am at all times in case I go postal.

It's just an irrational fear, just like the one of being video taped. I panic when I'm in public bathrooms or hotel rooms for fear there are hidden cameras. I check around for holes in the walls or other places cameras could be hidden. When I get into a hotel room, anyone that's ever stayed with me is under the impression I just like to get things unpacked and settle in right away rather than living out of my luggage. Truth is, I unpack as an excuse to search the room. I don't know....maybe I watch too much Law & Order SVU.

The pdoc's solution, as always, let's up the dose of Seroquel. I'm kind of glad he did though because I've been having the damnedest time trying to fall asleep at night, even after taking the Seroquel. Can't wait to get to the pharmacy and see what happens when I try to get my meds refilled. Now that Medicare is primary and I have yet to choose a prescription plan, I have no idea what's gonna happen. I was assured that my meds would still be covered but there's that the fear they won't be...this is the government I'm dealing with after all and how often are they reliable? I didn't bother to go today because where I'm at mentally, I really don't need any further triggers. I'm already in a fragile state again.

Forced myself to group tonight. I so wanted to call in sick and crawl into bed, but I noticed on the calendar that I won't be able to go next week because of the kiddie's orchestra concert. As much as I hate the group, I have to go cuz I signed up for it. Damn me and my sticking to commitments! Why can't I be like so many others & just blow shit off?

If I bother to get out of bed at all tomorrow it'll be a damn miracle.