Saturday, April 22, 2006

Bleed like me

These are some lyrics from the song 'Bleed Like Me' by Garbage:

Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes
She sings:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Probably shouldn't be listening to songs like this while I'm hopelessly depressed, but this song in particular seems comforting. Doesn't make me want to harm myself any more than I already have. Just makes me wonder if someone in the band is borderline or knows someone that is cuz the lyrics relate to some of the criteria for this disorder including identity disturbance, anorexia, etc.

Today was hard cuz I had to do stuff. Had to leave the safety of my bed and actually be around people. Slap on the "everything's ok" facade and pretend so no one asks if I'm ok. I hate when people ask that. I want to yell at them..."do I fucking look ok?" Obviously something is out of whack or you wouldn't be asking.

Guilt was the dominate emotion of the day, followed closely by sadness. Everything I'd hoped to accomplish was besieged with unforeseen difficulties, all of which were related to things for the kiddie and therefore she was left feeling very disappointed, which only magnified my guilt. Nothing ever goes as planned when you're depressed, why is that? I didn't set out thinking the things we wanted to do wouldn't get done, but yet that's exactly what happened.

I was actually optimistic when we left the house. Shame on me for that. I'm not allowed to have optimism in my life...that's just a sure fire way to bring on devastation. Should have just fucking stayed in bed.


Anonymous Tea said...

Shirley Manson (lead singer of Garbage) is a recovering self-injurer

there's an MTV article on it here:

1:56 AM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Of course you're allowed optimism, hon. Although I don't blame you for being wary of it.

Hang in there, Sid.

4:33 PM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I think it would be a good idea to refrain from listening to music like this. Garbage is a great band, and it's true Shirley is a recovered self-injurer as Tea said. I would want you to get in the sun more, listen to soundscape music like water, rain. Itunes has some if you have an ipod, or target, walmart etc have a section that sell these CD's. Take long showers, soothe your skin with aromatherapy soap or lotions. I guess I am suggesting all these things because I hope that you can be feeling better soon.


7:17 PM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger Dawn said...

i was listening to music all day yesterday, like that, and was wishing the whole time that i was at home, so i could hurt myself. i knew listening to that type of music, in that frame of mind was not a good idea, at all, but continued to anyway. so, i completely understand when you say it's comforting. havent figured out why it is, but it just is.

8:49 PM, April 23, 2006  

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