Friday, June 15, 2007

Stopped blaming, now need to let go

Sunday is Father's Day and I'm trying to hold my ground in insisting he get exactly what I got for Mother's Day...nothing. Of course I did get a little more than nothing, my daughter woke early and used her love & imagination to make me a card, because her father was, as usual, too broke to even give her $5 to buy me a card. I love her handmade cards better anyway, so I definitely got more than he's getting. He's getting a generic store bought card. Too bad he can't get the remark that my daughter made while looking for one. "I don't know why we celebrate Father's Day, my dad doesn't do a damn thing for me that's worthy of celebration or recognition."

For years I tried to nurture the relationship between my daughter and her father because I felt it was so important for her to maintain a close bond with him. I'd regularly ask throughout the week if he'd called her and if he hadn't, I'd suggest that she call him. Since he was always broke due to his complete inability to manage money, I'd give him some money so that he could take her out, which everyone told me was stupid because he wasn't paying me a dime in child support. I knew it was stupid, but I thought it was helpful in keeping them connected, because without money to do anything, he wouldn't bother to spend time with her.

I guess I can say I have managed to learn one thing from therapy. My therapist finally convinced me that it is not my place to be holding their relationship together. That my daughter is old enough to decide what kind of relationship she wants with him and as her father, he should be stepping up as well if he wants to maintain a closeness with her. Unfortunately, without my involvement, there is almost no relationship left between them. He makes no effort to see her with any regularity, even though his work schedule now allows him more free time to spend with her; and frankly, she doesn't seem to care.

Now I need to learn how to let go of the pain and sadness I feel over their lack of bonding. I've stopped blaming myself for it, since I did do everything in my power to keep it going, but it hurts to know they aren't close. Since the day she was born I've wanted her to have everything in life I never had. A loving, caring father that spent time with his child was one of those things.

So on Sunday, while she's out faking like she's interested in spending time with her dad, I'll be doing the same with my own father. But I'm also going to try and give myself some credit for giving her something else I never had in life...a mother that loves her daughter with all my heart, something I tell her and show her every day. A love she doesn't doubt for a second.

5 Comments:

Blogger mizeeyore said...

hey Sid, so sorry you're going thru a tough time right now...here's some hugs
((((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))

unfortunately, i have TWO blogs by the same name, because i was unable to access my old one *grrr*

anyways, i wish the best for you and hang in there. i've missed you (((((((((((((Sid)))))))))))))

9:45 PM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

BTW love the new look of your blog *smile*

9:47 PM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger MB said...

Having a bond with a someone needs to be worked at, even if it is a parent. You proved time and time again that your daughter can rely on you, and thus u have a strong bond. Your ex on the other hand will one day regret his actions at rejecting his daugher, and trust can be a very difficult thing to regain. Im glad you don't blame yourself, because you're right, you did everything you could to help. Stay strong, celebrating a "parents" day can be a difficult and daunting task.

Take care of yourself,

MB x

11:36 AM, June 16, 2007  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

It is a sad situation, but your therapist is right and I'm glad you can accept this now.

HUGS
Polar B.

6:00 PM, June 17, 2007  
Anonymous anonymous mom said...

you went above and beyond the call of duty, sid - your therapist is right. time to step back and let what happens happen. i've had to do the same. we simply cannot force our wish into a reality for our kids, you know?

12:22 PM, June 18, 2007  

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