Tears for what never was

Sadness has permeated my entire being. It's left me feeling lonely, isolated and vulnerable, as if the walls I'd built to protect myself from harm have suddenly been stripped away and I'm left here standing naked in front of the world. I'm the one that wanted to feel though aren't I? This is what becomes of me when I shut off the chemical bleaching. I'm no longer sterile. I become infected with a searing depression.

In my case, as I begin to fall into the chasm of all-consuming darkness, I start longing for things I know are not within the realm of possibility for me. I long to be loved, to be involved in an intimate relationship, yet I know that all I will do is push that person away. I long to be happy, an emotion that those around me don't seem to cherish enough because they don't know what it's like to live most every moment without it. I long to be stable and be able to support my daughter properly, but even if I could return to work, I lack the education to obtain and/or maintain a decent job. I long to be someone I know I can't ever be.

So as I'm chasing shadows, and dreaming of what will never be, as I'm fighting off the ghosts that haunt me from my past, I break into tears. Tears that come from so deep inside I feel a physical ache at the very core of my essence. Sometimes those tears feel like a cathartic cleansing. But at times like these, they are more a pitiful reminder of what was never there to begin with...a life. They are a reflection of the gaping, painful hole in my soul that has always been empty, the one that is bottomless and can never be filled.