Saturday, June 02, 2007

Tears for what never was

Sadness has permeated my entire being. It's left me feeling lonely, isolated and vulnerable, as if the walls I'd built to protect myself from harm have suddenly been stripped away and I'm left here standing naked in front of the world. I'm the one that wanted to feel though aren't I? This is what becomes of me when I shut off the chemical bleaching. I'm no longer sterile. I become infected with a searing depression.

In my case, as I begin to fall into the chasm of all-consuming darkness, I start longing for things I know are not within the realm of possibility for me. I long to be loved, to be involved in an intimate relationship, yet I know that all I will do is push that person away. I long to be happy, an emotion that those around me don't seem to cherish enough because they don't know what it's like to live most every moment without it. I long to be stable and be able to support my daughter properly, but even if I could return to work, I lack the education to obtain and/or maintain a decent job. I long to be someone I know I can't ever be.

So as I'm chasing shadows, and dreaming of what will never be, as I'm fighting off the ghosts that haunt me from my past, I break into tears. Tears that come from so deep inside I feel a physical ache at the very core of my essence. Sometimes those tears feel like a cathartic cleansing. But at times like these, they are more a pitiful reminder of what was never there to begin with...a life. They are a reflection of the gaping, painful hole in my soul that has always been empty, the one that is bottomless and can never be filled.


Blogger MB said...

Learning to experience emotions again is very difficult, as is learning to rebuild your life. You will experience happiness again, and when you do you will cherish it more than those who do not understand what it's like to live without it. Is it not possible for you to do distance learning? To gain the education you require? It sounds so cliche to say you can do anything you set your mind to, I've been trying to sort my life out for a while now and find myself giving up so easily. Take care of yourself, MB x

10:45 AM, June 03, 2007  
Blogger marie said...

I agree with MB here. I too am right now chasing dreams and shadows. My current unpleasant situation has caused me some depression. I feel like I have put myself back into the abyss.
My head tells me fuck her and not to let her have ANY power over me. My heart says why is she hurting me again?

It is my sincerest hope that I will be happy some day.

9:07 PM, June 04, 2007  

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