Saturday, May 26, 2007


Sometimes I make myself look like a total ass without even trying. Case in point, my last post. I whined about not being able to afford important expenses like my daughter's education, yet in the post just before that one I wrote about blowing a whole lot of money on crap I didn't need to be buying. Where are all the people that are willing to send me nasty insulting emails when I could have used them? This would have been an actual justified circumstance in which to email and tell me to pull my head out of my ass. Slackers.


Not sure why, but I do some of my best thinking while in the shower. There used to be a time when all I did was think about sex because, well, I was naked and touching myself. But these days, I get all analytical while sudsing up. That's where all the thoughts in this post came from.

After thinking about making an ass of myself, I thought about my brain and compartmentalization. In doing so, I came up with an analogy to best describe how I think my brain functions. Hopefully this will provide more insight as to what's going on when I say I can't seem to access certain parts of it when I want and how I often feel like there are multiple personalities. Maybe this will help my therapist and pdoc in treating me.

Image an office with a whole lot of workstations, each with its own computer. To function as a single entity, these computers would all need to be networked together and connected to a main database so that departments could communicate with each other and everyone would be on the same page, all given access to the same information all the time. Without that, there would be complete chaos and the business would falter and go under rather quickly.

My brain functions like an office with hundreds of computers, each belonging to different departments that have specific information needed to run as a single entity, but they aren't networked together. In fact, there is only one chord available so that restricts access to the main database to one computer at any given time.

These computers hold different emotions, thoughts, knowledge, memories, etc. Most have extremely limited RAM, so they can only contain small bits of data. For example, when it comes to memories, there are probably hundreds of computers. One might contain only the memories of physical abuse. Another has just the memories from high school on it. So with only one chord, I can't access the data stored on the other computers, even though the main database is aware that this other data exists. As with all computers, some are also hopelessly infected with viruses and when connected, they try to destroy the main

What I need is to find a way to network all this together into one coherent entity instead of a fragmented mess. I need to clean out the viruses as well because of all the damage they do. I possess the ability to do all this with actual computers, but I haven't a clue how to unify my own brain.


Blogger nadcesca said...

OMG. I can't believe how this is also my reality. WOW your post is just so well said. You really nail it!

7:45 AM, May 27, 2007  
Blogger Joel said...

Would you have listened to our nasty, insulting emails if we'd sent them? :)

Oh, the fragmentation. I don't see it all coming from a lot of places but from one limping machine....Times are that I wonder if it is due to brain damage or epilepsy....

12:10 AM, May 28, 2007  

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