Saturday, May 26, 2007

Bunch of screwed up crap

It's 4 am and I'm long overdue for a dose of Seroquel. Instead I'm sitting here wishing that I could sleep without it but knowing full well that my brain chemistry has been so altered by this crap that I will never again know what it's like to just fall asleep the old fashioned, normal way.

The only medications I'm on that I take as prescribed these days are Valium for my anxiety, Vytorin for my high cholesterol and Protonix for my acid reflux. As for the others I should be taking, the negative side effects negate any positives that I can't bring myself to swallow them. While I may have simply deluded myself into believing the negatives aren't worth it, that is the seemingly logical stance my mind is in right now and it isn't willing to budge.

I know it's my brain, my thoughts, and therefore I should be able to control & change them, but often times it doesn't feel that way. I don't dare mention that to my pdoc though. With my luck he'd diagnose me as DID, NOS (dissociative identity disorder, not otherwise specified).

Anyway, the kiddie's school schedule for the fall is screwed up. Because the school insists on assigning all the core subjects (math, english, history, science) in the morning only for the kids in the gifted academy, they are usually stuck with major scheduling conflicts for the three electives they get to chose for the remaining periods in the afternoon. It was made all the more harder for my child because she was able to get into the chamber orchestra and chamber choir, both of which are extremely rare for sophomores to enter. Those two classes are usually reserved for the more advanced juniors and seniors, and are therefore scheduled around their needs which don't coincide with the needs of a sophomore.

Since she was unwilling to drop either of those classes, which I fully understand why and support her choice 100%, she was left with only 7th period open. To fill that, she wanted to take a foreign language because most colleges require students take four years of it, but her school doesn't offer a Spanish 3-4 (she was in Spanish 1-2 this year) or a French 1-2 class (the only other language she'd want to learn) at that time. Guess where that leaves us? Paying for her to take foreign language in the evenings at the local community college.

The college does offer full scholarships to students from her school that fall into the top 10% of their class, which she certainly does with her grades, but she also does purely by default...the kids in the academy ARE the top 10% of their class. I don't know if they'll offer that to a sophomore though, or if they'll offer financial aid of any kind since she's only taking one course.

I'm about to fork out money I don't have in the next week for her summer school and driver's ed, then a month later I have to pay another $200 in fees to get her registered for her sophomore year of high school, there's no fucking way I can pay for her to take this course at the college too. Even if I don't spend another cent on anything that is a non-necessity, I can't afford all this and still be able to pay my monthly bills.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! It sucks ass to be poor cuz I'm on disability and can't work, add to that a practically deadbeat ex (he surprisingly did give me 50% of the driver's ed fees), and at the same time try to support a brilliant child in all her academic endeavors in order to make sure she succeeds in life and doesn't end up in the poor house herself as an adult. The struggles are never going to end are they?


Blogger nadcesca said...

I know how hard it is when you are poor. But you are a good mother and that is the best gift you can give your daughter. I'm sure she knows how wonderful you are and how hard you are trying to make her life as easy and fullfill as possible. Just by being by her side is so much more than other kids will have from either of their parents. Don't beat yourself to much. Just keep doing your good work.
PS I'm sorry wou have to deal with the meds problem. I surely hate taking meds also. HUGS

5:45 AM, May 26, 2007  
Blogger marie said...

Sid-You are sooo right being poor does suck ass!

I am glad to hear that your daughter does well in school, she will get into a good college for sure.

These things that you are going through shall pass. Make your deadbeat ex help out. That will certainly take some pressure off of you. I have always said it takes to to make a child and it takes two to raise it.

Please hang in there.

11:48 AM, May 26, 2007  

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