Monday, May 28, 2007

Blog changes & crying

Made some subtle changes to my blog again. Since I've been at this thing for almost three years now, the archive list was getting out of control so I switched it to a drop down menu to take up less space. Not that anyone but me actually reads the archives, but it's something I've wanted to change for awhile now. I like to read the old posts to see where I was a year or two ago and compare it to where I am now. The old posts seem more intelligent to me, more insightful, that I read them in hopes of getting back in touch with that person I was when I started all this in 2004.

I also added a search engine. Type in any keyword(s) and it'll bring up the posts where that's been mentioned. This is another feature that is probably exclusively for my benefit. I use it to find past posts where I have talked about a specific topic that might have come up in a therapy session. I can then either email this info to my T or print it out so we can discuss it in our next session.

It would probably be more beneficial if I simply gave her the address of my blog, then she could scour it for whatever she wants to know about me, but I don't trust her enough yet. She does know I blog and could easily Google a sentence from a post I've given her to find my blog, but as far as I know she hasn't. I don't know if she has much knowledge about the internet or not to do something like that. Nor do I think she has enough interest in me to waste her time away from the office to bother searching for it.

Tomorrow I see my pdoc, an appointment I should have cancelled but for some reason didn't have the guts to. Maybe I'm secretly hoping for a confrontation with the guy since we haven't had one in awhile. I don't know if I'll mention my lack of med compliance though, the only thing that would result in an argument between us at this point. The change in my pill popping is ever so slowly starting to produce the result I was hoping it would. I've gained some emotional feeling back.

So far it's been limited to displaying itself as tears. I cry over just about everything. The news mentions someone dying and I cry. I watch a movie with a sappy love story and I cry. Hell, I cried watching the Grey's Anatomy finale. I even cry over happy moments like the chick from Japan winning the Ms. Universe contest tonight (don't ask). The only positive is that I haven't cried for myself and my own situation, or maybe that's a negative, I'm not really sure.


Blogger marie said...

Sid, I too read my archives from time to time. It reminds me where I have been. I also see there how much I have improved as a writer.

I hope things go well with pdoc. I need to find a job with medical so I too can get back into therapy.

2:39 AM, May 29, 2007  
Blogger MB said...

Hey Sid,

When I was depressed I couldn't cry, I felt nothing, so when I did eventually cry (it was over a music video of all things!) it was amazing. Since then, to me, any sign of emotion is a good thing.

Good luck with the pdoc, I know how difficult it is to trust people.

MB x

5:14 AM, May 30, 2007  

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