218 days

That's how long I went without cutting before my rage became stronger than my will to not inflict self harm. In the aftermath of my weakness, the voices in my head keep screaming at me to continue the torture, keep taunting me about my failure. Despite appearances, when you've managed to last years without hurting yourself in the past, 218 days is a failure.

I'm not sure at what point everything turned sour. I was ok this morning. Went to a consumer advocacy fair at the local state mental hospital where I helped distribute literature about NAMI and the chapter I belong to. The hospital is about 75% forensic patients (otherwise known as the "criminally insane" for those that aren't familiar with the term), who were not allowed to attend. They did invite patients from the units that house individuals who don't have insurance but are in crisis and need temporary hospitalization, as well as people involved in an outpatient program associated with the hospital. Roughly 100 people were in attendance.

It wasn't overwhelming at all. They had several speakers, all but two of whom were people that have reached some level of recovery from their own mental illnesses. In between and after the speakers, the patients would come to the various tables like ours and get information about support groups and other services available to them out in the neighborhood. I myself picked up some brochures I thought might be helpful.

Everything went downhill after that. I could feel the rage building inside so I went to sleep as soon as I got home, thinking maybe I was just tired. Didn't help. I was even more angry when I woke a couple of hours later.

Even now, after having broken down and wielded the razor blade against myself, my anger is only intensifying. I want to rip every inch of flesh to shreds. I want to scream louder than my voice has the possibility to go.

The irony in all this? While at the fair, I stopped by and talked with the woman that runs a DBSA chapter about a half hour south of where I live. They're having a guest speaker later this month...on self injury. If only I had the ability to laugh right now.