Waiting for the reply

I received a response back on Monday from my therapist to my lengthy email. It was a simple:

It is up to you. I am here and available if you want to continue. Let me know.

That's it. I don't know if she would prefer to confront me in person, or what her reasoning is behind not commenting at all on anything I said to her, but I wasn't about to just say "ok..let's move past what happened last week and I'll see you in a couple of days". Mainly because this is the second time she's blindsided me with this type of situation. So I shot off another email to her...

This event triggered the borderline personality mode in me called splitting, where I see a person as all bad or all good. Based on my last interaction with you, I'm sure you can guess where you fall right now. As painful as life is each day, I'm trying not to give up on myself, but I need to know that you're not going to give up on me either.

We can tentatively schedule a visit for July 12th since that is the next time my daughter meets with her T. That'll allow me time to distance myself from what happened during our last visit and the feelings it generated. But if you do feel like I'm wasting your time, then just tell me and we'll end this now. I'd rather you gave up on me now than to continue working together only to have you give up on me later.

I'll reiterate what I tried to tell you from the beginning, but maybe didn't quite explain it well enough. Working with me is going to be a long and arduous task. I fully recognize that in myself, but I don't know how to make it any easier either. I know that it will generate frustration on both sides because there will seemingly be little to no measurable improvement any time soon. But that doesn't mean meeting weekly isn't helping in some way. I certainly don't feel like you're wasting my time. I feel you listen, or at least did, which is something I haven't felt from anyone else.

I'm not trying to deliberately be difficult and my guess is that I'll probably be one of the greatest challenges of your career. If you're not up to taking that on, I understand. I just need to know that now before we continue.

She has yet to reply back. I have tried not to let my borderline rage get the best of me and form the opinion that her silence means she doesn't want to work with me but is trying to find a delicate way to say so. Instead I keep telling myself that maybe she's considering what I said. Thinking long and hard about whether she can work with me.

Personally I don't know if I want to continue working with her either. I wonder if I go back will I always have this nagging doubt in the back of my mind about whether I really am wasting her time. Will we go through this yet again in a month, six months or a year down the line? Is even being in therapy just a fruitless endeavor for me?

The stresses I've been under these last few weeks are still taking a toll on me physically. I can barely get out of bed each day and I probably wouldn't if I didn't have to play chauffeur four times a day. Food is a complete after thought. My acid reflux is out of control despite the med I'm on for it so I've had to supplement it with Pepcid Complete or a handful of Tums.

Yesterday I tried to work on the form I got from Social Security but became so anxious that I forced myself to just put it away before I had a complete breakdown. I need to find some way to overcome the stress and anxiety of filling it out because I only have two weeks to return it to them. I at least did call and found out how to supply information about 2 years worth of therapy, pdoc visits and hospitalizations that don't fit into the mere six spaces they give on the form. I have a feeling I'm going to have to ask for help from my mother and I really don't want to do that.