The first step
Took the first step towards the end yesterday, I quit therapy. I told her I was done wasting her time and walked out. The timing just felt right, especially since she was ready to pawn me off on someone else. Next week I see the pdoc and I'll finish things with him as well.
I know that no one can help me because I can't help myself. I'm tired of struggling every second of every day for the meager scraps of life I'm allowed to have. I'm beyond exhausted, I'm beyond hope. There is no fight left. The demon inside is so much stronger, so much more powerful than I could ever hope to be, and so I'll let it do what it wants...I'll concede defeat and allow it to consume me.
3 Comments:
Oh frig I can relate so much. It's like hanging over a cliff with only spider webs to hang on to.
It breaks my heart to imagine the anguish you are enduring. You are so much stronger than you believe you are. I hope you hang on. I believe in the possibility of a better day tomorrow. As I say that, you should be aware that my son-in-law died tragically 5 days ago and my world has no light.
Please hang on for the sake of those that would be left behind...I will vouch for the agony they would feel.
Jim (a loyal reader and fellow sufferer)
Being lonely in a crowded room. Feeling sad and not knowing why, not being able to sleep, waking up in the morning not being able to move, giving up your life out of no choice, crying for no reason, making a demon appear in your head. Listen to its horrid world making your life spin in circles not knowing what path to take. The dead end of a road. The coffee black peice in your soul, not resting till the end of time, never leting it forget you, eating your soul, mind and heart. Try to run as you will, you life will be taken. Draging you one foot at a time into hell. The suicide you wish you could have just to end the pain. Pity when you hate others sympathy. Self hatred, sadness, anger, darkness, deadly, lonely, sorrowing, regreting, perpetual, and killing. Giving up your dreams to be stuck in the enternal force of demonic gravity. It is a world. It is my life.
http://forbiddenregrets.blogspot.com
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