Friday, October 14, 2005

Make a note

I gotta make a note of this now before I forget, 1) because if I write it here I'll be more likely to remember to print it out for my therapist so we can discuss this further & 2) because I'm hoping by writing it out I can get the fucking thoughts out of my head and the anger building up inside will subside.

Ms. N mentioned that if I do this again, she won't work with me anymore. That she won't tolerate therapy interfering behaviours. I need her to elaborate on what "this" she's referring to. Is it taking an overdose, ending up in the hospital, not signing a safety contract, her thought that I was just "testing" her, all the above?

I know I said I wasn't going to dwell on her thinking it was all about her. I did good til about an hour ago then I just got to thinking about our visit and I remembered her saying she wouldn't work with me if this happens again. For the life of me I can't remember at what point in our conversation she said it.

Think the anger is coming from her seeming to not accept my explanation of the events leading up to the overdose. I wasn't deliberately trying to do anything to harm myself or get back at anyone. I just wanted to sleep for awhile, a long while. But I guess that's not an acceptable answer. There always has to be more to it, a deeper, hidden meaning right? It's a fucking crock of shit if you ask me.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anna said...

I don't understand how she could say that she wouldn't continue to work with you if this happens again. These situations are very unpredictable and honestly, you can't tell what type of mood or situation you're going to be in from day to day. Things like this should be expected (not on a regular basis) to happen once in awhile. Everyone relapses or slips from time to time. Her job is to help you find ways of getting back on track not threatening to not offer you assistance. I don't understand what goes through therapists/pdocs minds. It's like they think they've failed in some way when something like this happens. They haven't failed until they've given up on the person. I hope you continue to get the help that you need.

1:07 PM, October 14, 2005  
Blogger Shannin said...

Sid,
I am dumbfounded by your t's actions and reactions. She really seems like an idiot...and an ass. Like most every t I've had. Making shit what it's not....we are crazy, so how the fuck do we know, right? They are all-knowing. Fuck that. When your t is causing more anxiety than helping, I think it is time to move on. I also think that in most cases, she would be held liable for your actions...she knew the state you were in, asked you to sign (which is just to cover their own asses!), you refused, and she did NOTHING!....Do we have to actually DIE before these idiots are held liable for thier actions...or inactions?!?!?! I am really outraged here.....
I hope you are feeling better. Try to keep in mind that the vast majority of people who go into this field are doing it to "fix" themselves....they have no real right to be there trying to "fix" you...and, right or wrong, they put there own shit in the mix....

Try to stay strong...Take care of you...I will be thinking of you while I am in Reno....Don't pull any shit ;)
Take care, hun.

1:10 PM, October 14, 2005  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

Sid,

It strikes me as ridiculous to put that kind of pressure on you, when what you've gone through is part and parcel of the difficulties you're dealing with and obviously not a road you'd have taken if all was well emotionally and otherwise.

Sounds like Nicole ought to be dealing with those that don't actually require any therapy or support if she hasn't the backbone to deal with reality.

Take care.

Jane

10:01 PM, October 16, 2005  

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