Wednesday, January 11, 2006

By the wayside

My life is falling by the wayside...whatever the hell that means. What's a wayside and why did I choose to start this stupid post out that way? It just happened to be the thought in my head. I know the saying, I just don't know what the fuck it means.

Guess I said it because it's day three of my stink-fest. Suppose tomorrow I'll actually do something productive like shower, or fuck it, maybe I won't. I don't need to shower until Saturday cuz I have no intention of going anywhere other than to drop the kiddie off at school & pick her up until then. Ask me if I care what the fuck I look like in those 5 minute drives to and from school.

I spent most of the day in bed. That's my plan for the next two days as well. If I'm sleeping I can't think about how badly I want to kill myself. I'm not accomplishing anything other than staying alive, but I suppose that's better than nothing. Maybe I'll check myself back into the hospital after this party. I'll see how my pdoc appointment goes on Tuesday. If he has to take me off Seroquel for insurance reasons, I'm pretty much guaranteed a trip to the hospital anyway.

Guilt, anxiety, depression and rage have been the norm for me the last two weeks, probably even longer than that. Once I came off the manic high from the Abilify, I pretty much started the downward spiral. It's been a slow descent this time. I've been trying to do these DBT skills with no success. Distraction is about the only one that keeps me from harming myself. But the feelings are growing stronger each day, helped along by the shit at the clinic, that I don't think the DBT skills would help at this point. I haven't learned most of them, nor had the time to practice any of them.

Group yesterday sucked. Ms. N helps run the group and she knows I'm not doing well. Plus Ms. R was witness to my rampage on Monday, so she knows something's wrong too. Before group I saw them standing in the hallway talking with the idiot that runs the day group program. I'm sure part of their discussion was about me and what happened the previous day.

Ms. N tells me that I shouldn't make decisions like quitting groups when I'm in my "emotional mind". It's the same choice I would have made in my "logical mind", so I have no regrets about doing it. There's nothing wrong with getting rid of a trigger. Sure it's avoidance, but at least if I avoid it, no one will have to experience the physical aspects of being on the wrong end of a raging Sid episode.


Blogger mizeeyore said...

damn Sid, so sorry you're having a rough time right now. and i do apologize for snappin' off like i did yesterday. i spose i was going thru my own tunnel of shit and was ready to blow, so i let it go thru the blog.

if sleeping helps you to stay calm, do what you gotta do. btw i've missed chatting with you on Yahoo...i usually sign in as invisible, but i'll still leave the IM open if you are up to chatting; if not, take care of YOU!

Hugs ((((((((((Sid))))))))))))

11:13 AM, January 12, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Sid, I agree with Genelle. I spent a week in bed after Christmas, rarely showered. The only thing that got me out of it, ironically, was going back to work and getting on a routine.

I'm also on IM (snarfer.geo)

10:25 PM, January 12, 2006  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

Decisions made can be changed if you want whenever you're ready, so dropping out where you feel the need to is no big deal.

In some respects, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm living but I don't want to and I'm just "hiding" in my darkened room.

But if that's what it takes to get through, that's OK.

1:09 AM, January 13, 2006  

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