Saturday, January 14, 2006

Can't sleep

Should be in bed because I have to be up in about 10 hours to start getting things together for the party but I can't sleep. Probably because I haven't bothered to take my nightly meds yet. Though I'm not sure I'd be able to sleep even with them because of the anxiety.

I'm really nervous about everything working out. About my sister showing up in time, about the hotel finding out that there will be more than the 10 people allowed for most of the day, about the teens making too much noise, about the teens not enjoying themselves, worry worry worry. I'm sure most of it is needless, but I can't get the thoughts to stop swirling thru my head.

As far as I can tell, everything we need for the party has been purchased. Just need to pick up the cake and order pizza at dinner time. I have almost $500 cash to cover all the costs, including the rooms. That should be more than enough. The two rooms are about $250, the cake is about $40 and I'm sure pizza won't be $210. Shouldn't be any other expenses unless the girls decide they want to get an in-room movie. Yes, the ex did pitch in money wise, he gave me a whole $200. I've spent almost $200 already on decorations and snacks, so it's not half of the total cost, but I'm just glad he's given me something. Last year the only thing he gave me was a whole lot of fucking rage.

I haven't been taking my full dosage of Seroquel at night and I can tell the difference. My thoughts have been racing all over the place since I started taking half doses. I try to calm my mind by being more aware of things by using the five senses. Think this is a skill on the DBT tracker. Like when I lie down for bed I concentrate on my breathing, the feeling of the comforter on my skin, the pressure of my body on the mattress. It's helped a little to calm my mind so I can sleep.

But during the day it's not as easy to focus. Been trying to get caught up on my Time magazine subscription cuz once again I have about 7 weeks worth of magazines stacked up. It's hard to concentrate on what I'm reading. Every little noise is a distraction, but if it's too quiet, that's a distraction as well.

I tried one time to write a post of all the thoughts that flew thru my head in the space of half an hour, but blogger ate it. If this keeps up, I'll have to try doing it again. It's strange how off the wall and obscure my thoughts are, jumping from one totally unrelated idea to the next. It's like my brain is on speed. It's very tiring after about half an hour. A full day of it is exasperating!


Blogger mizeeyore said...

hey Sid: i'm sorry you're going thru a rough patch. i wish i could do something to help, but all i can offer is my friendship. i'm going to sign in on Yahoo IM and leave the window open if you want to chat.

take care of you!

10:23 AM, January 14, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

The party will be great! What a neat idea. Your daughter will LOVE it.

You sound like me with the magazines. I have so many sitting around for me to read.

11:02 PM, January 14, 2006  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

It sounds like you've got everything in hand so don't worry: it will fall into place.

Try to relax and ENJOY yourself, too.

7:58 PM, January 15, 2006  

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