When is a good time?

Managed to make it through the kiddie's party with little drama. Now that the main focus keeping me alive has past, the self destructive thoughts have taken hold. When is a good time to die? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? That's all I can think about. Do I take my stash of pills again, slit my wrists, both?

I went and sat in the parking lot of the hospital after my therapist apptmt again. Desperately wanting to go in and say fucking cure me already. But I know that isn't the solution. They can't cure anyone. All they can do is take away your rights, your privacy, in an attempt to make you "safe" til the feelings pass, til they have you so doped up on medications you no longer have the strength or mental capacity to commit suicide. What if the feelings never pass though?

I see my pdoc tomorrow, that should be interesting. What can he try that hasn't already failed before? At what point does he give up trying when nothing works? Should I just give up for him so that his conscience is clear? His conscience would be clear anyway. He has no moral or ethical requirement to sustain my life for me, unless I tell him I'm going to take my own life which is information I don't need nor want to share with him.

What moral or ethical requirement do I have to sustain my own life? A life ruled by mental illness. A life lacking hope. A life lacking in most everything.