Monday, January 16, 2006

When is a good time?

Managed to make it through the kiddie's party with little drama. Now that the main focus keeping me alive has past, the self destructive thoughts have taken hold. When is a good time to die? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? That's all I can think about. Do I take my stash of pills again, slit my wrists, both?

I went and sat in the parking lot of the hospital after my therapist apptmt again. Desperately wanting to go in and say fucking cure me already. But I know that isn't the solution. They can't cure anyone. All they can do is take away your rights, your privacy, in an attempt to make you "safe" til the feelings pass, til they have you so doped up on medications you no longer have the strength or mental capacity to commit suicide. What if the feelings never pass though?

I see my pdoc tomorrow, that should be interesting. What can he try that hasn't already failed before? At what point does he give up trying when nothing works? Should I just give up for him so that his conscience is clear? His conscience would be clear anyway. He has no moral or ethical requirement to sustain my life for me, unless I tell him I'm going to take my own life which is information I don't need nor want to share with him.

What moral or ethical requirement do I have to sustain my own life? A life ruled by mental illness. A life lacking hope. A life lacking in most everything.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Even tho the party's over, your daughter is still there. She still needs you. There'll be another bday next year. Then there will come a time when she starts college - you want to be there to watch her graduate, see her get married, have kids. You need to be a part of all that.

6:07 PM, January 16, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

i agree with Polar Bear. were it not for my daughters, i wouldnt be here today. i want to be around to see my daughters get married, have the chance to be a grandma, and just be there for them as best i can.

i'm gonna go to Yahoo IM - hope you'll be online *smile*



6:19 PM, January 16, 2006  
Blogger nosthegametoo said...

I have no idea when a good time to give up is. If you find out, I'd love to know.

10:48 PM, January 16, 2006  
Blogger James said...

It's hard not to want to "check out" every day. I just try to hold onto one or two things to make my day worth living and if that is your daughter then I think you will both benefit. Sometimes I get through the day just because I have an interesting book that I want to finish. No kidding.

I hope that you can find something to help you get through this period.

I am breathing deeply for you and sending you all my love, smiles and compassion.

Hang onto us. We are all a family on here and we would loose a great friend should you decide to end it all.

We love you.

1:12 PM, January 17, 2006  

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