Monday, May 08, 2006

Got what I wanted

In a post dated Tuesday, August 17, 2004 I wrote the following:

He told me he's not giving up on me even if I want to give up on myself.

The "he" is my pdoc. Less than 2 years later he has done just that...given up. He didn't return my call from last week. Instead he had one of the nurses do it today. She asked if there was any way I could pay for the Emsam myself since my insurance won't cover it and when I said there's no way I could afford it seeing that I'm on disability, that's when she said what I knew was coming. The reason behind why I asked him last week if this was the last hope.

"He has nothing else that he can try."

Instinctively I knew to expect these words but yet it still felt like someone hit me so hard that I couldn't breathe. In one short phone call, after all these years, I've finally gotten what I wanted and yet the agony it brings with it is too real to ignore. I finally got a professional mental health worker to say I'm a lost cause, I can't be helped. In my gut I always knew that was the case. On Oprah last week she even did a show about listening to that little voice inside because it's usually right. I tried not to listen and simply prolonged my misery. I won't deny my destiny any longer. I can finally be free.

For now I will grieve for all the days I suffered needlessly. Try to get thru the next month as best I can. Try to find some way to explain to my daughter that I wasn't meant to be alive, that I'm terminally ill. Try to find someone that will care for her and help her through all this. Someone that won't give up on her and won't let her give up on herself. She has so many chances I never had. She will succeed.

14 Comments:

Blogger Ms Peculiar said...

Sid,
Don't give up. Bristol-Myers Squibb Patient Assistance Foundation, Inc. Company
EMSAMĀ® and
Sun Association Card has a Discount Card are designed to help.
Try Those two things... They both have a program for that EMSAM - Maybe you will qualify. Go to this web site and fill out the form. https://www.pparx.org/about.php
God Bless

5:46 PM, May 08, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

sid don't give up.

please.

sans

7:36 PM, May 08, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Just because a mental health professional/pdoc tells you that he has nothing else he can try DOES NOT mean that you are a lost cause.

Sid, you need to get yourself into a GOOD DBT programme. You need to get yourself a T you TRUST AND LIKE. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your T-Nicole, but I get the feeling that you haven't worked well with her. That's nothing to do with you, or even her. It's just that people don't always click together well.

But if you can't find another DBT group, or another T, then you've got to work with what you've got. There is no magic pill, Sid. I hate this fact, but it is fact, it is REALITY. There is no magic pill, no magic wand, no magic way of cutting out the part of our brains that has all these twisted hopeless feelings.

I believe that the only way to get well is through hard work, in therapy. And it's about practicing the skills in our everyday life. And that's pretty damn hard work too because it's easy enough to fall back and say nothing is worth such effort. EASY to say, I want to give up. Heck, if I wanted to give up, I would have by now. And you too, Sid. You're still here, and I'm still here, and that tells me that YOU are a fighter. You want this as much as I do. We both want a better life, a better way of doing things.

It's really up to you, Sid. But you know that, of course.

Hugs
Polar Bear

8:16 PM, May 08, 2006  
Blogger Ron_F said...

Here's another link for what MsPeculiar said: http://www.bmspaf.org/application.htm

If you ask yourself "why bother", just find one simple thing to hold onto. You want to see your girl tomorrow. You want to buy yourself something nice. You want a pizza. Something, anything, no matter how silly or serious.

You are very strong - you have survived so far despite everything. I still believe you can make it.

sorry if this sounds trite - I don't mean it that way at all - I just want to let you know I care.

R.F.

8:51 PM, May 08, 2006  
Anonymous Kristina said...

I have been recently reading your blog (via a link from mizeyore's website). Please DO NOT GIVE UP!!!! The doc is an ass and the nurse was out of line. PLEASE, use the info provided by ms. peculiar. Your daughter needs you, loves you and doesn't give a shit about your illness. She loves you unconditionally, and I KNOW you do not want to leave her. PLEASE hang in there. And please post something so those of us out here in blogland know you are okay.

9:53 PM, May 08, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

DONT YOU DARE GIVE UP WOMAN!

i have been holding this back for a while, but now i gotta let it out.

One. YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT LOVES YOU AND NEEDS YOU.

Two. Just because that doctor is an ass and has you believing that there is nothing else he can do is BULLSHIT, ya heard? BULLSHIT. FUCK WHAT HE SAID. DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF GIRL BECAUSE OF WHAT THIS IDIOT HAS SAID IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY. FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER DOCTOR WHO WILL LISTEN TO YOU!

Three. WHAT THAT IDIOT DOC DID WAS A COWARD'S MOVE BY LETTING THE NURSE DO HIS DIRTY WORK.

Four. IT'S TIME TO STOP THIS TALK ABOUT "GIVING UP" OKAY? LIKE POLAR SAID, AND I BELIEVE THIS WITH ALL MY HEART THAT YOU ARE A FIGHTER. YOU GOTTA FIND THAT INNER STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION TO LIVE...LIVE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE AROUND TO SEE HER GRADUATE FROM GRAMMAR SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL, AND COLLEGE.
STOP THIS PITY PARTY AND GET BUSY LIVING! YOU ARE A FANTASTIC MOTHER AND YOU LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER AND DO FOR HER, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MOTHERS DO. HELL, MANY TIMES I WANTED TO JUST SAY "FUCK IT" AND GIVE UP, BUT THE LOVE OF MY DAUGHTERS HELPS TO KEEP ME GOING. SO IF I AINT TRYING TO CHECK OUT, DAMMIT, NEITHER ARE YOU!

Five. WE ALL HAVE OUR MOMENTS WHERE SHIT BECOMES TOO MUCH TO BEAR AND WANNA THROW IN THE TOWEL. THAT'S THE COWARD'S WAY OUT. NOW, YOU CAN GET MAD AT ME IF YOU WANT, BUT DAMMIT, I CARE ABOUT YOU AND SO DO THE FOLKS WHO POST COMMENTS TO YOUR BLOG, AND WE AINT GIVING UP ON YOU!!!!

Six. AS MANY TIMES AS YOU'VE HELPED ME THRU TOUGH TIMES, WHAT KIND OF FRIEND WOULD I BE TO NOT BE THERE FOR YOU? YOU GOT ME THRU AN ANXIETY FILLED MOMENT LAST YEAR WHEN I WAS RELUCTANT TO GO OUT FOR MY BIRTHDAY. YOU TALKED ME THRU IT AND GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO TAKE THAT STEP. LET ME AND ALL THE REST OF US RETURN THE FAVOR TO YOU. YOU ARE A KINDHEARTED WOMAN, AND THOUGH YOU MAY NOT THINK IT, A STRONG WOMAN WHO DOESNT SEE WHAT WE, YOUR FRIENDS HERE IN BLOGLAND SEE. YOU MATTER! YOU ARE WORTH EVERYTHING AND MORE!

*ahem* sorry i had to take it there, but dammit, i consider you a dear dear friend and i REFUSE to let you go out like this.

((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))
much much love
genelle

10:33 PM, May 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This all sounds very familiar. Once they run out of pills thats it, they say they dont know what else to do. And thats exactly the truth, they really dont know what to do. They really dont do anything, the pills do all the work if they even work at all.

Forget about illiminating the illness but its just about keeping us drugged and out of peoples hair.
They dont even really want us to get better because they would lose their business and pharmacys would lose all their money.

But I dont know Sid, I definately understand where your coming from.
I say the same things you say everyday, Im not fit to live and its all hopless.
But that isnt the message I want to send to you, but you know Im not well.
But I do know I dont want you to give up, I want you to keep fighting and I know thats what I have to realize too, but gawd I know its not easy. But I have to tell you to try and give it all you got. Dont give up!!!

Hugs
Billy

12:42 AM, May 09, 2006  
Blogger Sage said...

Sid, I don't have a lot of money, but how much is it? Maybe I can help you out for a month or so. Go to my Blog and link to my e-mail, if I can help you I will. I'm not rich but maybe between us we can do something, OK? My wives gave me the go ahead.

3:20 AM, May 09, 2006  
Anonymous Betty said...

I also have been reading your blog for some time now, and have wanted to comment so many times , but I always chicken out . I do not have a blog, but read many of them . Yours is of perticular intrest to me ,because we have the same diagnosis (i think ) . I am bipolar (not typical though ) and have borderline personality disorder. You sound like where I was some years back . I had a breakdown 7 years ago , my kids were, twins 6 and older son 8 . I know my illness was there for years, looking back now, but had just gone undetected. I was hospitalized and received 15 ect treatments .Good ? bad ? don't know, not sure the patient is the best one to get consent from , but I am still alive . Then I was treatment resistant for 3 1/2 years. they even sent me to a univercity hospital out of town to be assesed . He said there was nothing he could do different than my pdoc, and he was head of the phyciatry department . I am very lucky that I have one of the best pdocs around . i also live in Canada and do not pay for this service . He continualy changed my drug cocktail until one day it started to work . By no means was it an overnight thing. I have been on these meds for 4 years now ,and am just finishing up the dbt programme . Just this christmas I had a big blow out . we have been tinkering with my meds a bit . I am feeling so much better . I find it odd that Lithium is the choice your doc went with, they ruled that out pretty early in my trials, as well as just about every drug there is . For me it is the combination of 2 drugs that helped me . I take Seroquel with Epival plus a few extras ,every morning and evening. NO ONE is ever beyound help . It is like what we tell our kids, if one adult won't listen keep telling until you find one that will . I wish you all the best at this extreemly difficult time . please know that I am only tring to help . I have never commented on a blog, but felt compelled to reach out to you .

3:49 AM, May 09, 2006  
Blogger James said...

Oh dear Sid. I'm so so sorry you had to hear that from a so-called "doctor." I agree with another poster that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY!!!

Keep searching for another doctor. Keep doing it for your daughter and yes, US. We need you and CARE DEEPLY ABOUT YOU!!! This is a selfish attitude by me I know but you are too beautiful of a soul to leave now. I know that is what you want to do and I very much understand that but PLEASE try to hang on!!! It will get better at some point and I know that you can do it.

Keep trying no matter how hard it gets.

I love you and want you to be happy and believe that you can.

Email me if you are in a dangerous situation where you are about to end it all. jamzer35@hotmail.com

I can also talk to you on the phone. If you are interested in that option then email me and I'll give you my #.

11:08 AM, May 09, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

There is a patient assistance program that can help you get the meds you need at no cost.

http://www.rxassist.org/

You must find a more dedicated doctor to work with!!!!!

~Deb

7:22 PM, May 09, 2006  
Blogger Joel said...

(taking a deep breath and holding your hand. Don't stop talking.)

7:36 PM, May 09, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

Yes, Sid, don't give up. You've come this far, you can't stop now. I agree with others that you need to find another T-doc. There's got to be one bound to help you, one with whom you'd feel a better connection. Your daughter would be lost without you, Sid. No one could replace you as her mother!

We're all behind you and want to see you through this.

Warm hugs,
Cinthia

10:55 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I am sending you love and strong energy to hang on today and will think about you during my next meditation. Open up your heart and let all this love from me and others into your body and mind.

Hoping things improve.

BIG HUGS!!!!! I'm holding your other hand. Sitting down with you in this dark pit that you are in.

4:37 PM, May 10, 2006  

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