Got what I wanted

In a post dated Tuesday, August 17, 2004 I wrote the following:

He told me he's not giving up on me even if I want to give up on myself.

The "he" is my pdoc. Less than 2 years later he has done just that...given up. He didn't return my call from last week. Instead he had one of the nurses do it today. She asked if there was any way I could pay for the Emsam myself since my insurance won't cover it and when I said there's no way I could afford it seeing that I'm on disability, that's when she said what I knew was coming. The reason behind why I asked him last week if this was the last hope.

"He has nothing else that he can try."

Instinctively I knew to expect these words but yet it still felt like someone hit me so hard that I couldn't breathe. In one short phone call, after all these years, I've finally gotten what I wanted and yet the agony it brings with it is too real to ignore. I finally got a professional mental health worker to say I'm a lost cause, I can't be helped. In my gut I always knew that was the case. On Oprah last week she even did a show about listening to that little voice inside because it's usually right. I tried not to listen and simply prolonged my misery. I won't deny my destiny any longer. I can finally be free.

For now I will grieve for all the days I suffered needlessly. Try to get thru the next month as best I can. Try to find some way to explain to my daughter that I wasn't meant to be alive, that I'm terminally ill. Try to find someone that will care for her and help her through all this. Someone that won't give up on her and won't let her give up on herself. She has so many chances I never had. She will succeed.