The progression

My symptoms are progressively getting worse. It's not easy to know what to do about them because they happen so randomly. Things such as:

1. Crying for no apparent reason. I've even woken up crying the last two mornings though I recall what I had been dreaming and neither were about things that would bring on the tears.
2. Hearing things. I woke up at 3 am the other morning because I could swear I heard someone pounding on the wall to my bedroom. It was a wall my father built when we first bought the house to move the doorway of the bedroom because the entrance to the laundry room was actually inside my room (nice design Mr. Retarded Architect). He did a shoddy job since he knows nothing about construction so this particular wall has a distinct hollow sound when someone knocks on it.
3. Seeing things. I was out having a smoke the other day and could have sworn on my life that I'd seen a raccoon type creature walk past me.
4. Having headaches. They come and go. Some are on the migraine level, others simply hurt just enough to be annoying.
5. Not sleeping. Some nights I sleep like a drugged up baby. The next night I wake every hour on the hour.

That's just a few examples, there are plenty more. I contacted my pdoc's nurse on Wednesday to tell them that my insurance wouldn't cover the Emsam he'd recommended (In fact I even searched the Medicare drug formularies to see if any of the insurance companies handling the new Medicare prescription plan covered it and the system didn't even recognize the name. Figures since it was just approved by the FDA in February). She told me she'd give the message to the Dr since he wasn't in that day, and he hasn't called me back.

I've just been trying to take it easy and not do too much stuff. Right now I'm at my sister's, house & doggie sitting, because pretty much all of my family is in Florida at the moment. My sisters and their families had planned to go down together, and then it turns out one of my brothers and his family had also made plans to go at the same time by pure coincidence. Kinda of good for me to be away from home and away from my weapons of mass destruction.

I'm just feeling so lost. Not sure where to turn, what to do...about anything. Still haven't decided about the surgery. Not sure I want to try any more medications. Ready to give up on everything including seeing my pdoc, my therapist and going to group. It's like I've come to a dead end, with dead being a welcoming end. But surprisingly I haven't been making plans for my demise. While I want life to be over, I'm not actively pursuing suicide. Haven't looked at the calendar and said, this is an ok day to die. Haven't been counting the pills in my stash. Haven't been writing goodbye letters (I still have the ones I've written the last several times I've been close to death's door). So that's a hopeful sign isn't it? I don't even know anymore.

Think it was Polar Bear that mentioned the "empty vessel" in a recent post. That's exactly how I feel right now.