Saturday, May 06, 2006

The progression

My symptoms are progressively getting worse. It's not easy to know what to do about them because they happen so randomly. Things such as:

  1. Crying for no apparent reason. I've even woken up crying the last two mornings though I recall what I had been dreaming and neither were about things that would bring on the tears.
  2. Hearing things. I woke up at 3 am the other morning because I could swear I heard someone pounding on the wall to my bedroom. It was a wall my father built when we first bought the house to move the doorway of the bedroom because the entrance to the laundry room was actually inside my room (nice design Mr. Retarded Architect). He did a shoddy job since he knows nothing about construction so this particular wall has a distinct hollow sound when someone knocks on it.
  3. Seeing things. I was out having a smoke the other day and could have sworn on my life that I'd seen a raccoon type creature walk past me.
  4. Having headaches. They come and go. Some are on the migraine level, others simply hurt just enough to be annoying.
  5. Not sleeping. Some nights I sleep like a drugged up baby. The next night I wake every hour on the hour.

That's just a few examples, there are plenty more. I contacted my pdoc's nurse on Wednesday to tell them that my insurance wouldn't cover the Emsam he'd recommended (In fact I even searched the Medicare drug formularies to see if any of the insurance companies handling the new Medicare prescription plan covered it and the system didn't even recognize the name. Figures since it was just approved by the FDA in February). She told me she'd give the message to the Dr since he wasn't in that day, and he hasn't called me back.

I've just been trying to take it easy and not do too much stuff. Right now I'm at my sister's, house & doggie sitting, because pretty much all of my family is in Florida at the moment. My sisters and their families had planned to go down together, and then it turns out one of my brothers and his family had also made plans to go at the same time by pure coincidence. Kinda of good for me to be away from home and away from my weapons of mass destruction.

I'm just feeling so lost. Not sure where to turn, what to do...about anything. Still haven't decided about the surgery. Not sure I want to try any more medications. Ready to give up on everything including seeing my pdoc, my therapist and going to group. It's like I've come to a dead end, with dead being a welcoming end. But surprisingly I haven't been making plans for my demise. While I want life to be over, I'm not actively pursuing suicide. Haven't looked at the calendar and said, this is an ok day to die. Haven't been counting the pills in my stash. Haven't been writing goodbye letters (I still have the ones I've written the last several times I've been close to death's door). So that's a hopeful sign isn't it? I don't even know anymore.

Think it was Polar Bear that mentioned the "empty vessel" in a recent post. That's exactly how I feel right now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid, I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now.

Whatever you're going through will cease eventually -- you just need to ride through it as best you can.

I've had my moments, that's for sure -- particularly when my anger has reached some no-return mark and plunged me onto some weird terrain. But whatever it is that takes over does somehow pass of its own accord.

:-) Jane

7:26 AM, May 06, 2006  
Blogger anna said...

Sid, I wish I knew what to do or say to help you. What you describe sounds very scary and I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. I am here for you, as always, if you want to reach out.

7:04 PM, May 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im so sorry Sid. Your having a rough time. It doesnt seem like the seroquel is helping. It doesnt help me either, I swear some nights someone is walking around in the attic and its so creepy.
I thought seroquel was suppose to help with hallucinations but apparently not.

You need to call your doctor and tell her these things, maybe she can get you an early appt.

I dont know if you ever pray but maybe it couldnt hurt. When I get really scared I do, it seems to give me a little bit of piece.
Just hang in there and try not to spend to much time alone. Maybe your daughter could sleep with you.
We tend to not hear things as much if theres someone with us.
Please hang in there, you have my support. I'll see ya Sid.

Take care of yourself
Many hugs

1:37 AM, May 07, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

One step in front of the other, Sid. I think that's the only way we can continue to hang in there day after miserable day.

I don't know what to advise on the surgery. I'm just afraid that it will cause more damage than it will help you. But then again, when you reach a point where you have nothing to lose, what else can you do?

Take care, HUGS

2:57 PM, May 07, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

i'm with Polar, Sid. one step in front of the other hon. i can only imagine how difficult a decision like this could be. also again, like Polar, i'm concerned that it may do more damage than be of help. however, when you have pretty much reached the point of no return, i would say give it a go. if it turns out that it wasnt helpful, well, at least you tried it.

in the interim, please take care of yourself hon. i will try to be online more if you want to chat, and here's my number if you'd like to call: (773) 874-3584.

much love

7:16 PM, May 07, 2006  

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