Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Taking it in

Just wanted to say that I have been reading everyone's comments and taking everything you have to say in. I don't mean to make anyone worry, I'm simply writing what's in my head. Revealing reality as I currently see it.

I'm well aware that I am in a dark, precarious place; trying to balance what I know in my heart against what I hear in my head. My heart knows I can't leave my daughter. But the emotional pain, the hopelessness...it's blinding and unbearable; and I just want it to end once and for all.

It's so hard to be strong when you've been ravaged for so long by an unseen beast inside. I've been left not only emotionally weak, but also physically. The dominate desire is to simply rest in peace forever. Will I act on that desire? I can no more guarantee that I won't than anyone can guarantee me that some day I'd be sane. But for now I'm still breathing, yet not truly alive.

2 Comments:

Blogger sansanity said...

you hit on a good point i am struggling with too--being ravaged both emotionally and physically.

i think we all understand that you are expressing what is in your head and not necessarily an immediate action. but i think we also know how some thoughts, when left unchecked, can get ahold of you. i guess what i hope is when that dark voice starts whispering, you also remember all of our pleading voices and that ours are combined loud enough to distract you or drown out the dark voice.

6:11 PM, May 11, 2006  
Anonymous kristina said...

you are strong and you are a survivor. we all are. and we battle through the days, with our scars and wounds . . . but we continue on this journey. you have people out here in blogland who care about you, who empathize with you and share your despair. we are all in it together, my dear. and i am so glad you are still with us . . . :)

8:47 PM, May 11, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home