Monday, July 10, 2006

Turning upside down

Life is turning upside down after what seemed like a few relatively decent days. Had some clarity of mind to write some interesting posts, was able to nearly get caught up on reading my magazines (books are a whole other saga), spent some time outdoors. But now it's all crashing down around me, as is always the case. Can't be too calm for too long, it just isn't allowed.

First trigger is weight. The last couple of days I've become not only painfully aware of my own weight, but also that of those around me. I've begun starving myself again as a result. I feel huge and disgusting. I noticed today, while in the waiting room of my T's office, just how many fat people there are at this particular mental health center. Made me think of that study they did on depression and weight. Were these people depressed first or fat first? Not that it matters, I would still befriend them if I were open enough to talk to anyone.

Next trigger was my T herself. Again with the "what are you getting out of therapy" questions. Previous therapists have drilled me with the same inquiries. I'm not getting anything out of therapy. I'm going because I was told this is how you get better. I'm going because if I don't I'm sure the government will think I'm well enough to get my ass back to work when I'm far from it.

I don't know what to talk about when I'm there and my T doesn't prod me to discuss anything in particular. She tells me it's my time, my therapy, I get to choose how we use it. There's so much that needs to be worked through that I don't even know where the hell to begin. I don't sit here all day every day thinking about the abuse I suffered as a child. Thinking about all the symptoms of all the illness I have. It's just there. A silent, deadly killer waiting to strike.

Think the biggest problem with therapy for me is I'm not very good at verbal communication. Never have been. I have a hard time getting the thoughts in my brain out through my mouth in a coherent, articulate manner. There's the confusion from the racing thoughts that will completely make me lose a thought in mid-sentence. Plus there's just a real hesitance, a fear, that keeps me from talking. I wanted to tell her about the weight issue, but it felt like I had been gagged, unable to talk.

I don't see her next week because of my surgery, so she wants me to think about all this and come up with something I think will help me in therapy. Be it writing down ideas to discuss ahead of time or going thru the tracker and discussing things from it each week. What would really help me would be to not have to talk. It would be beneficial to me to simply converse my thoughts and feelings through writing, the only form of communication that I have the capacity for, but what therapist does that?

Not sure what the hell I should do. Should I just give up therapy for awhile? Doing that certainly isn't going to make the situation any better, but going doesn't seem to be helping either. This is like every path in life I've traveled on....they're all dead ends.

2 Comments:

Blogger Maggs said...

Hope you got my email...

9:33 PM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger moonlightwriter said...

I'm not good with the whole verbal communication thing either. I feel like through the majority of my therapy sessions I just stare into space, trying to think of a way to get the words out to describe what's going on inside. Of course I have this problem with talking to anyone, not just my therapist. I am so not good at talking and making sense lol

7:04 PM, July 13, 2006  

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