Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Raging

Today is one of those days where I'd rather be dead. I'm raging like a mother fucker and it's not even 8:30 in the morning. I'm angry with my daughter and even more fucking pissed at her damn father.

I'm sorry that she wasn't blessed with perfect hair that does whatever she wants, which I still haven't figured out what the hell she wants it to do. She always expects me to do her hair for her, but at 14, everytime she asks I tell her I'm not her hair dresser. Then she gets mad at me for not helping. Yet any time I make a suggestion for something she could do I get shot down anyway, so why the fuck does she keep asking? Why is it my problem??? Gawd it's so fucking irritating! If she keeps this crap up, one of these mornings she's going to wake up bald...problem solved.

Her father has me pissed because I know the kid needs a haircut and all, but because I'm busy paying all the fucking bills with what little social security pays me, including paying for this damn fucking bankruptcy myself and her summer school activities, I can't afford to get her a haircut right now. When I ask her father for any money, he never has any. How the fuck he never has any is beyond me because other than $400 a month rent, the only bills he has are the cell phone and his car insurance. That's it. His car is paid for, utilities are included in rent, he doesn't fucking pay me any child support except on very rare occasions when he hands me $20, he doesn't eat a whole lot, he doesn't have work expenses. Where the fuck is all his money going?? Next time the fucker asks to borrow money from me, I'm going off on the son of a bitch. Again, why is this my fucking problem???

I've so fucking had it with this life. I'd love to just put a bullet in my fucking brain and be done. Let the ex finally know what it's like to be the one stuck doing every damn thing, paying for every damn thing. Let both of them fend for themselves because it's NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update....It appears I was just pms'ing when I wrote this. Luckily all I did was vent here rather than acting out my rage and directing it at either of them or even at myself.

3 Comments:

Blogger Grammie said...

Reading back thgrough your blog I see a few things. I see that you love your daughter imensely. I see that you have had a horribly tough time, and I see that you write wonderfully. Mostly, I see a very strong woman with a fierce desire to survive and the intelligence to cut through the crap. Keep writing. You're great.

1:10 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I'm glad that you have this blog as an avenue to vent. I hope things improve for you. It must be sooo frustrating. I am sending you peace and supporting energy. You are the bravest, strongest person that I know.

5:35 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Vixen said...

My biggest problem on the days that I feel the way you do today is that no one will leave me alone. I tell people "I'm not really in a good mood, can we talk later?" and they somehow take it to mean that I want to discuss all my problems. You are a strong person and using your blog to vent is an excellent way to get rid of the frustrations.

6:24 PM, June 27, 2006  

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