Saturday, June 17, 2006

Pent up emotions

I've spent the last 3 hours crying, grieving actually. There was mention earlier of the woman my ex left me for, brought up by acquaintances that know her. This in turn released a lot of pent up emotions I have over the whole situation and I think I'm finally ready to accept that I can't ever be with this man again. That I will always doubt his honesty and I can't maintain a relationship where there will be constant doubt.

So, to get some of the feelings out, I wrote him the following:

This letter probably should have been written long ago, but I think I just desperately wanted to try to hold onto something that apparently hadn't been there for some time. As soon as we are done filing for bankruptcy, I want you to file for divorce. I think we both know that this is long overdue.

I've spent a lot of time thinking, and a lot of time crying, over what happened between us. My decision, as hard as it may be, is that I owe it to myself to simply let go and try to move forward in my life and allow you to do the same. I only ask that you file for divorce because it was you that walked away from our marriage.

This is not an easy step for me to make. You're the only man I have ever loved, and that will probably remain unchanged. But like I said, I owe it to myself to let go. I can't continue to struggle with the why's and the should have's. I shouldn't have to forgive and forget your infidelity any more than you or anyone else should expect me to. I don't think I have the capacity to forgive you for the lies and for breaking my trust in you.

I will forever be sorry that I wasn't the wife you wanted, needed, deserved. I will forever be sorry that I became so sick that I lost sight of everything else. But I will also forever be sorry that you couldn't stand by me and honor the vows we took, in sickness and in health, and remain by my side through one of the toughest times I have ever been through.

Because of the circumstances, I don't think either of us will ever forgive and forget. I can't be in a relationship where either of us is constantly filled with doubt and questioning the honesty and integrity of the other, something I strongly feel will happen if we try to get back together.

Writing this hurts so much, but I know it has to be done. The pain I feel now will only intensify as you move on with your life and find someone that can offer the love I wasn't able to give. But I can deal with the pain if the end result is seeing you happy.

Just know that I will never forget you, never forget what we shared. I'm so sorry it's all over.


Now if only I can find the strength to give it to him.


Blogger Cinthia said...

Oh Sid, I'm so sorry, dear. Losing the one you love is always so heartbreaking. I am quietly crying with you and wish you the best.

4:34 PM, June 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid ... what happened isn't necessarily to do with what was going on with you at the time or otherwise ... the choices ppl make tend to have more to do with what's going on with them, I'd say.

I can relate to not being able to trust ... my trust was blown from the start.

From what I've read, people who had a trusting relationship in the first place can rebuild trust.

7:12 AM, June 18, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Don't give him the letter and seal your fate just yet.

9:18 AM, June 18, 2006  
Blogger anna said...

I could copy your letter word for word and give it to my husband.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Giant hugs

1:39 PM, June 18, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

Sid, i am so sorry that you are hurting right now. i wish i could take away the pain you are feeling hon.

i remember this saying from back in the day..."if you love someone, set them free...if they return to you, cherish them forever...if they dont, it wasnt meant to be."

i have dealth with my share of betrayal, hurt and deep emotional pain, and have cried my share of tears. but you know what? i've learned to find inner strength to let go of those hurtful things and look towards the future.

you have the power to control your own destiny hon. and if it means severing all ties from what has hurt you, i.e., your marriage, then so be it. you deserve a chance at happiness, Sid. there's no sense in holding on to something that still constantly brings you emotional pain; however, the decision to end your marriage is yours and yours alone. the bottom line: YOU WILL SURVIVE. i believe this with all my heart.

this too, shall pass.

ginormous hugs

much love

3:09 PM, June 18, 2006  
Blogger James said...

Letting go is one of the hardest things we can do. It truly pains the heart. However, as my dear Genelle says, it builds inner strength and brings closure.

I'd keep a copy of that letter for yourself and burn it.

I'm holding your hand and wiping away your tears. Have a good cry but don't shed too many tears over him.

I hope you feel better soon and that this possible closure brings you the eventual peace you deserve.

5:37 PM, June 18, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I know it's tough, Sid. But as Genelle and James have said, I believe that these things do built character. It makes you a better stronger person inside. But I'm sure you don't care about that right now as you are hurting badly. Hang in there and keep chugging along. You're not entirely alone in this. There are a lot of people online that care about you and want to see you well.

Polar B

10:00 PM, June 18, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I am thinking of you...

2:43 PM, June 19, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

HUGS! it's all i got--no words of wisdom or any of that. i've been where you are too many times.

9:20 PM, June 19, 2006  

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