Pent up emotions

I've spent the last 3 hours crying, grieving actually. There was mention earlier of the woman my ex left me for, brought up by acquaintances that know her. This in turn released a lot of pent up emotions I have over the whole situation and I think I'm finally ready to accept that I can't ever be with this man again. That I will always doubt his honesty and I can't maintain a relationship where there will be constant doubt.

So, to get some of the feelings out, I wrote him the following:

This letter probably should have been written long ago, but I think I just desperately wanted to try to hold onto something that apparently hadn't been there for some time. As soon as we are done filing for bankruptcy, I want you to file for divorce. I think we both know that this is long overdue.

I've spent a lot of time thinking, and a lot of time crying, over what happened between us. My decision, as hard as it may be, is that I owe it to myself to simply let go and try to move forward in my life and allow you to do the same. I only ask that you file for divorce because it was you that walked away from our marriage.

This is not an easy step for me to make. You're the only man I have ever loved, and that will probably remain unchanged. But like I said, I owe it to myself to let go. I can't continue to struggle with the why's and the should have's. I shouldn't have to forgive and forget your infidelity any more than you or anyone else should expect me to. I don't think I have the capacity to forgive you for the lies and for breaking my trust in you.

I will forever be sorry that I wasn't the wife you wanted, needed, deserved. I will forever be sorry that I became so sick that I lost sight of everything else. But I will also forever be sorry that you couldn't stand by me and honor the vows we took, in sickness and in health, and remain by my side through one of the toughest times I have ever been through.

Because of the circumstances, I don't think either of us will ever forgive and forget. I can't be in a relationship where either of us is constantly filled with doubt and questioning the honesty and integrity of the other, something I strongly feel will happen if we try to get back together.

Writing this hurts so much, but I know it has to be done. The pain I feel now will only intensify as you move on with your life and find someone that can offer the love I wasn't able to give. But I can deal with the pain if the end result is seeing you happy.

Just know that I will never forget you, never forget what we shared. I'm so sorry it's all over.

Love,Sid

Now if only I can find the strength to give it to him.