On the schedule

The call came in at around 9 am. I specifically stayed up this morning because I figured he'd call early, if he called at all. I'm on the schedule to get this VNS implant procedure done next Tuesday afternoon, June 6th. There's a great deal of hesitation, anxiety and fear on my part surrounding the whole thing. The majority of people think I have nothing to lose by trying it, but my view is that I have nothing to gain. I honestly don't think it's going to work.

Met with the pdoc and he said he'd support whatever decision I made. When I told him I was making the choice for my daughter's sake he seemed a little unnerved by it. Started asking me how I felt about doing that and why I would do it for her instead of myself. I told him that the kiddie had said she'd rather have me try it and still be around. That's the only reason I'm going forward with it. I owe it to her to try. I also said that I may freak out in the end and refuse to go thru with it unless they HEAVILY sedate me. I'm already extremely anxious, they're going to have a hell of a time rolling me into an operating room.

Next he asked how I felt about it all, if I knew the risks & possible side effects and what my concerns were. I flat out told him I don't think it will work. Said that if this doesn't work than I reserve the right to take my own life. He told me that I don't know what treatment options may be available 10 years down the line if this fails. I told him the research shows it may take as long as 2 years for the VNS therapy to work. If I don't have a breakdown and die before that, I sure as hell ain't waiting around for another 8 years to have more treatment options that will probably fail as well.

Then he started giving me the look. The contemplative one of "Should I lock her up now or not? How close do I think she is to harming herself?" He didn't say anything, but once you've been in the position where someone's trying to decide that, you definitely know 'the look'.

He told me that he would have no problem if I wanted to receive my medication management from the other pdoc in his office that I'll have to see for voltage regulation of the implant so that I wouldn't have to make so many trips to their office. I again told him flat out that I don't like the other guy and if I had a choice, I wouldn't be seeing him at all and that as soon as someone else in their office receives training on the VNS implant, I'm switching voltage docs.

Got my Klonopin dose upped. Guess it was obvious just how anxious I was. Didn't tell him I'm weaning myself off the Zoloft. I'm down to just 50 mgs a day. I know they told me I'd have to stay on my meds until this therapy works, but how the hell can they measure if the damn thing is working to help my depression if I'm taking an anti-depressant? So I figured I'd try going off it and see what happens from there. I have more than enough pills on hand if I do need to start taking them again.

Had group tonite but it was boring and so that's all I have to say about that. I then came home to a very strange incident. The kiddie had put a cd into the computer and the cd drive shattered it. Not just broke it, the thing was literally shattered into at least a hundred pieces. I have no idea how the hell that happened. I've tried breaking a cd before, they're hard to break. So now I need a new cd drive cuz despite cleaning this one out completely (I love taking the computer apart), it is no longer working. Guess those cd's I was supposed to make with pictures of the kiddie and the music cd's I was supposed to burn for someone aren't going to get done any time soon. Oh well.