Monday, May 22, 2006

Lost in space

Where've I been? Lost in space I think. "Automatic numbing" is what my T refers to it as. Blocking out the negative and focusing solely on what needed to be done to get thru the weekend. But that isn't quite true either because I had a near mental breakdown on Sunday when the ex and I tried to work on the bankruptcy stuff. And that happened in the space of 10 minutes. He made me put everything away and said we'd try again another day. As if they same thing won't happen another day.

My mood has improved I suppose. I'm more numb than depressed, though I am fully aware that the depression hasn't gone anywhere and is still brewing under the surface. Guess for me that's an improvement of sorts. Trying to do the DBT skills I've been learning, particularly the self affirmations. The two I've been telling myself nightly as I try to fall asleep are "It's ok to have hope" and "I deserve to have hope". Figured I had to start with my hopelessness or I won't make any progress in a direction other than death.

Ms. N told me today that she wants me to spend at least 15 minutes a day this week taking time out for myself. I explained to her that it seems the only worth I ever have is when I'm doing everything for everyone else. Then everyone wants to be around me and talk to me. But the minute I stop doing because mentally I can't do anymore, I'm a fuck-up, a bitch in their eyes.

We also discussed the surgery again and how the doctor asked if I'd ever had an MRI. That has had me thinking because of a post Bipolar Princess did recently about someone having bipolar symptoms after a head trauma. When I was about 4 or 5, I crashed head first off my sister's shoulders into the corner of a wall. I don't remember if I was knocked out, though I think I might have been. I just remember my mother yelling at me as she washed blood out of my hair. Then when I was in 5th or 6th grade I'd fainted in class and woke to the school nurse searching my head for possible injuries. She ended up finding a hole in my head about the size of a quarter that had apparently been there for quite some time. I needed about 20 stitches to have it closed. To this day I have no clue how it got there.

What really has me wondering if maybe my symptoms are from a brain injury is the correlation in dates of a car accident I was in, the date I discovered a deformity in the roof of my mouth that had not been there previously and the date when my mental status really started to deteriorate, landing me where I am today.

I'm probably just grasping at straws, trying to find a reason behind why I have these mental problems. But before I go having surgery, shouldn't they at least order an MRI to rule out the possibility of a brain injury? I don't know, hell, I'm the crazy person here. I will make the suggestion though.


Blogger Joel said...

Bipolar illness has been tied to brain trauma -- emotional mostly, but any physical trauma is going to bring that kind of thing up. If you're concerned about that and have other symptoms, you may wish to ask for a referral to a neurologist for a CAT scan and an MRI.

Or you could choose, like me, to forget about the whole thing. I just don't want to know what bruises and scratches lie in there.

11:23 PM, May 22, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ive gone over every incident in my life from my car crashes to being hit upside the head by my dads fist but Im only left guess.
Im gonna have an EEG soon to check for any brain disfunction.

I dont know about MRIs but I was told by my doc that it could take up to 3 or 4 different tests before finding what could be wrong.
I hope you get it done. Them finding a hole in your head sounds very disturbing. I cant believe they didnt run any tests back then.
You may have been knocked out and didnt remember what happened.

Take care.

12:05 AM, May 23, 2006  
Blogger James said...

It is o.k. to indeed have hope and faith and you DO deserve both.

I don't know if you embrace spirituality or not but it might be helpful if you don't already.

I don't mean "religion" necessarily either because I think organized religion only makes things harder for people like us. I know that for me it has helped a great deal in something to believe and lean on when I don't feel like I have any ground to stand on. said:

"I explained to her that it seems the only worth I ever have is when I'm doing everything for everyone else. Then everyone wants to be around me and talk to me. But the minute I stop doing because mentally I can't do anymore, I'm a fuck-up, a bitch in their eyes."

Boy o boy do I know this all too well. We can never win it seems like.

I've had two major brain traumas in my life and I am sure that they have played a key role in the severity of my illness.

Sending you love...

6:04 PM, May 23, 2006  
Blogger Ron_F said...

about James' comment re spirituality vs. religion ... I am very disenchanted with any organized religion. I think it should be a personal thing for everyone. I find myself able to appreciate a Higher Power, whoever She is, in the natural world rather than anything artificially created by people.

as far as the head injury ... it's an interesting idea. I was depressed before my car wreck 10 years ago (my head smacked the steering wheel, but they said it was nothing serious). I have always had bad headaches though, and I have passed out a couple of times.

8:22 PM, May 23, 2006  

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