Lost in space

Where've I been? Lost in space I think. "Automatic numbing" is what my T refers to it as. Blocking out the negative and focusing solely on what needed to be done to get thru the weekend. But that isn't quite true either because I had a near mental breakdown on Sunday when the ex and I tried to work on the bankruptcy stuff. And that happened in the space of 10 minutes. He made me put everything away and said we'd try again another day. As if they same thing won't happen another day.

My mood has improved I suppose. I'm more numb than depressed, though I am fully aware that the depression hasn't gone anywhere and is still brewing under the surface. Guess for me that's an improvement of sorts. Trying to do the DBT skills I've been learning, particularly the self affirmations. The two I've been telling myself nightly as I try to fall asleep are "It's ok to have hope" and "I deserve to have hope". Figured I had to start with my hopelessness or I won't make any progress in a direction other than death.

Ms. N told me today that she wants me to spend at least 15 minutes a day this week taking time out for myself. I explained to her that it seems the only worth I ever have is when I'm doing everything for everyone else. Then everyone wants to be around me and talk to me. But the minute I stop doing because mentally I can't do anymore, I'm a fuck-up, a bitch in their eyes.

We also discussed the surgery again and how the doctor asked if I'd ever had an MRI. That has had me thinking because of a post Bipolar Princess did recently about someone having bipolar symptoms after a head trauma. When I was about 4 or 5, I crashed head first off my sister's shoulders into the corner of a wall. I don't remember if I was knocked out, though I think I might have been. I just remember my mother yelling at me as she washed blood out of my hair. Then when I was in 5th or 6th grade I'd fainted in class and woke to the school nurse searching my head for possible injuries. She ended up finding a hole in my head about the size of a quarter that had apparently been there for quite some time. I needed about 20 stitches to have it closed. To this day I have no clue how it got there.

What really has me wondering if maybe my symptoms are from a brain injury is the correlation in dates of a car accident I was in, the date I discovered a deformity in the roof of my mouth that had not been there previously and the date when my mental status really started to deteriorate, landing me where I am today.

I'm probably just grasping at straws, trying to find a reason behind why I have these mental problems. But before I go having surgery, shouldn't they at least order an MRI to rule out the possibility of a brain injury? I don't know, hell, I'm the crazy person here. I will make the suggestion though.