Monday, August 07, 2006


My frustration at myself, my ex, my daughter, everything in general is growing. Forcing me to decide, do I really want to be a part of this "life". What's in it for me? Just how much time am I wasting by being alive? Is it okay to just quit, like those around me seem to be doing with the things in their lives.

My T appointment didn't go well today so that was frustrating. We had our yearly review and had to decide on a treatment plan for the coming year. I came up with a few things I'd like to work on, but none of them at this point seem worth the time or effort. The T was a little taken back by the fact that I decided to scrap all the goals that I had for this past year rather than carry any of them over. Didn't get through any of them except filling out my tracker regularly so why bother trying to work on them for another year only to fail.

The kiddie has me frustrated because I keep spending money on her to get involved in things and all she ever does is quit. The latest is the whole volleyball thing. Paid $100 for the three weeks of camp, paid another $100 for a volleyball net and accessories so she could practice. I'd like to see her push herself and keep trying to improve but she just wants to give up. Complains that she can't do it, without putting forth any real effort to try. She does this with everything. We spend all this money on lessons, equipment, stuff in general that she never bothers to do anything with.

When I tried to call the ex to let him know his daughter is frustrating me, he doesn't bother to answer. I can only assume he's with "her", and she's too fucking jealous so he doesn't answer the phone. Of course he doesn't have voice mail, so I just get disconnected, which adds to my frustration. He's probably pissed at me that I won't help him financially anymore and he's at risk for losing his job because he can't get his license renewed due to a supposed $700 bill from the state for unpaid tolls and fines. I gave him suggestions on how to handle it, including call the lawyer and ask him a few questions, but noooooo...he wants to try and make it my problem. If he loses his job, how does that effect me? It's not like the guy is paying me child support or anything. If my daughter loses her health insurance because of it, I can simply sign her up with the state again.

I know people will probably think she gets her give up attitude from me because of the suicidal ideation, but believe it or not, the example I've set for her, the example she sees most often, is one of a person that doesn't give up. I still keep going to therapy even though I don't want to. I keep going at life though I don't want to. I keep going at everything even though I don't want to. Today I had to take apart my old computer so that I could transfer the cd-rw drive into the newer computer since the one in there was no longer working. I may have bitched quite a bit because I literally had to take apart every bit of the old computer just to get the drive out, but I never gave up and tada...the drive is in place and working.

I'd really just like to scream at the top of my lungs. Scream that I can't take it anymore, that I don't want to deal with all this bullshit life throws at me. But apparently it's ok for everyone around me to give up, but it's not allowed for me. How the fuck does that work?


Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Hope you are feeling less frustration and stress soon.

9:36 PM, August 07, 2006  
Blogger Colleen said...

It seems obvious to me that you are not a quitter. It's harder than hell to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts... To keep sticking around and putting up with life is work!

I hope you do feel better soon, and I hope your daughter learns to be more disciplined. (She will improve in this area, just give it time and try not to go nuts in the mean-time!)

1:10 AM, August 08, 2006  
Blogger James said...

You are far from a quitter.

Dealing with everything you deal with takes some serious strength and though you might not feel it right now, you have it is spades. I am proud of you.

At the same time, I understand wanting to take a vacation from reality.

5:08 PM, August 08, 2006  

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