Sunday, July 30, 2006

Far from calm & rational

I posted about the whole ex situation on a BPD board I belong to looking for support since I'm fucking going out of my mind with rage, hurt, numbness, etc. Went back & explained about us being separated since 2003 when I started having my psychiatric meltdown. (Three years later & I'm still breaking down, how pathetic am I?) Here's part of one of the responses I received....

"You're very thoughtful and I just don't even see you as having BPD to tell you the truth you are so in touch with your feelings. You have a calmness and a rationality to your thinking. I have a sense that you have done some tremendous growth since your meltdown as you call it."

I must say this wasn't the kind of support I was looking for, to be told by someone that they don't think I have BPD. Rational. Ha, I probably only appeared rational in my post because the board doesn't allow swearing and I can't say fuck every other word to show the intensity of my irrationality.

I added onto the letter I wrote, the one that I posted here on June 17th. Here's the post script I added....

P.S. I’d written this letter awhile ago. One night after several old roomies (names removed to protect the innocent) were reminiscing about (insert other woman's name here). Wasn't sure if this was what I truly wanted so I never gave this letter to you. With the recent revelation that you’re again trying to get back together with this woman, I feel I need to give this to you now.

I will always try to be your friend, though if you’re going to continue to pursue a relationship with (insert other woman's name here), that friendship will not be as close as either of us may have hoped. I know it takes two to tango as they say, and for her part, I can’t forgive her for becoming involved with you when she knew we were still married. I also can’t forgive her hypocrisy for becoming "the other woman" when she knew from her own experience what it’s like to be cheated on. It is too painful to think of you with someone else, but it would be far less painful if it were someone other than (insert other woman's name here). You are however, a free man, and can choose whomever you want to be with.

Given that our relationship is over, you no longer have the right to come to me with all your problems. I will try to help when I can, but you cannot continue to bring all your troubles to me, they are no longer my problems unless they involve our daughter. You also no longer have the right to come to me asking for financial help, especially since you’re supposed to be paying me child support. I know financially you’re not in a place to pay it, so I won’t pressure you to pay, though I will ask that you pay half of her expenses when you can, like her school registration fees.

Not sure what else to say other than I hope you find the happiness in life you’re searching for.

Right now the ass is out with our daughter and probably won't be home until late. I do intend to give him the full letter when he arrives to drop her off. Whether or not he wants to stay here and read it will be his decision. But I have nothing else to say to him.

2 Comments:

Blogger Polar Bear said...

Good on you, Sid. I think it's great that you are able to say all that in the letter. He HAS NO right to come to you asking for help, financial or otherwise. And all his threats to kill himself? Maybe he's trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

Take care
Polar.

10:46 PM, July 30, 2006  
Blogger ECLIPSE said...

Expressing how you're feeling is the first step ... the tricky part is to maintain your position of putting up barriers, if he chooses to keep relying on your help & drawing you back into his life.

Hope you can get the distance you need.

5:20 AM, July 31, 2006  

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