Saturday, August 05, 2006

Nightmares are back

Woke up trying to scream this morning after a horrific nightmare. I was being suffocated by a dead body that had fallen on me. The body of someone I knew. Once I started gasping for air and trying to scream out for help I was able to rouse myself from my sleep, but forgot at that point who it was that had died or even how they had been killed.

I'm so not ready for these nightmares to return. It's been about a month of freedom from these nightly hauntings. I understand why they are starting again though. It's one of the first signs that my sanity is headed towards a downward spiral. The counting of the stash is another sign, so is the lack of concentration. I can't do this now though. I have to try and hold things together. This coming week includes two concerts plus school registration. The following week is our vacation. The week after is when school actually starts. This is no time to be falling apart. But maybe having all this stuff to do is what's making me come unglued. I haven't been outwardly stressing over everything, but maybe my subconscious is doing it for me.

I keep adding to what I need to get done as well. I still need to do the bankruptcy, but here I am spreading myself too thin in other areas. I'm wasting time signing up for this suicide prevention walk and working to put together a package to present to the head of the academy to get the students at my daughter's school to participate in the walk as well. I'm starting my own website when the one I have works just fine. I've let the leader of our local NAMI chapter know I'll be able to resume coming to meetings in September and can help out however I'm needed. I sent an email to the University of Chicago Psychiatric department asking if I can participate in a study they're doing on Borderline Personality Disorder. I've also let my therapist know I may start going to groups again during the day once my daughter goes back to school.

Why am I suddenly doing all this to myself? It's as if psychologically I need to have this breakdown. Maybe to prove to myself I'm not the person that held down three jobs, and in my spare time took care of a family and a household. Or to prove that she's dead. Or to dispel the myth that she ever existed. Or to prove that I am a mental case. I have no idea. I'm just grasping at straws as usual.


Blogger Maggs said...

we must be in the same place. my dreams have been bizrre, heart wrenching. waking up from them is like a fucking slap in the face.

9:04 PM, August 06, 2006  

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