Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Only one, or at least was

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Partial lyrics from 'Only One' by Yellowcard

This song never made me cry until all this crap with the ex went down for a second time. I know I shouldn't be crying over him, but dammit, he was my only one and it hurts like fucking hell that he threw it all away. I'm such an idiot for allowing him to hurt me again. If I could rip my own heart out and permanently rid myself of the ability to love anyone but my daughter, I'd do it in a split second.

I've been drinking and cutting again. I haven't a clue how to deal with emotional pain but to numb myself of it all and/or to take it out on myself physically. I've even taken up smoking again when I had done so well with quitting. Falling into old habits, negative habits. What else is there to do when your heart's been shattered twice by the same person? The one person that vowed to be with you every step of the way, through thick and thin.

It's so hard because for my daughter's sake I need to maintain a civil relationship with him when all I want to do is scream at him and tell him I never want to see him again. When I saw him Sunday evening, I listened to him talk about the Warped Tour he'd taken the kiddie to. Gave him a card I'd found for Game Works which might still have money on it that he can use one weekend with the kiddie. Gave him the cellphone bill showing what was fucked up. Finally I gave him the letter in an envelope and told him he could read it any time or never, I didn't care.

He hasn't called to say anything. Hadn't expected him to, but of course my heart hoped he would. I need to let go, but how? How do I let my heart shatter into even smaller pieces than it's already in and find some way to pull it all together again? I'm trying so hard not to go over the edge and end up in the hospital. Fear is keeping me alive, which is so opposite of what it's always done in the past.

Not looking forward to my visit with my T today. I know there will be tears, lots of tears. I'm tired of crying.

Partial lyrics from 'Breathe (2 am) by Anna Nalick

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
ohh breathe, just breathe,
ohh breathe, just breathe


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see you are up late also, and neither of us are in a good place right now.

hope you're ok

4:03 AM, August 01, 2006  
Blogger anna said...

Oh Sid, what can I do to help you? Please don't cut yourself or drink, try to hang on to whatever it is you can to stay well. If you ever, ever need to actually TALK feel free to call on me. I'll email you my number. I really do care about you Sid, and wish you a life of happiness and love.

5:22 PM, August 01, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I echo Anna. You know where to find me and you still have my cell, right? Fight the urge to cut. Please. (Sorry I hadn't responded to the last handful of posts-I read them all just didn't have a chance to respond 'til tonight. LOVE the poetry though)

8:31 PM, August 01, 2006  

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