Saturday, October 29, 2005

Not enough sleep

Sometimes it seems that no matter how much sleep I get, it's never enough. I slept nearly 12 hours last nite and I probably could have slept til Sunday if I hadn't had plans today. Tomorrow there are things to be done and Monday as well, so I don't know when the next time I'll be able to get some decent sleep will be.

I'm so tempted to take a few extra Valium and Seroquel on Monday night and hopefully sleep for a few days. I just need to remove myself from life for awhile. There isn't a desire to do it permanently. Let me rephrase that, there is the desire to have it be permanent, but there's no active plan in motion at the present time.

My therapist and I talked about stress on Thursday. She says I need to find a way to lower my stress level. She said it's entirely too high and I risk another suicide attempt if I don't greatly reduce it. I still don't understand why it is so damn high when I really don't have a whole lot of responsibilities right now. She said I have a lot on my plate when I was explaining what I was doing with the kiddie and what's been going on with the ex. Plus the financial strains and all that crap. Even just my living arrangement is stressful for me.

I used to be able to handle all this kind of stuff. I'd stress and panic a bit, but I could usually pull myself together enough to get things accomplished. Nowadays I just completely shut down. It's fucked up and it's just another thing I hate about the person I've become.

4 Comments:

Blogger James said...

Try meditation. It works wonders for my stress when I remember to do it.

I get frustrated too with the person I have become. I use to be able to handle stressful sitations. Like you say, I'd panic a bit but get it done in the end.

Now I just freak out and run away and hide.

Anyway, best of luck.

2:38 PM, October 30, 2005  
Anonymous Anna said...

About the sleeping for long hours and still feeling like it's not enough...have you been tested for sleep apnea?

4:54 PM, October 30, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Yeah, Sid. I know how that feels, sleeping long hours and still feeling like it's not enough. Because of work, I have to get up at a specific time every morning, and because I have so much difficulty getting up in the morning, I go to bed earlier and ealier in the evenings, it's ridiculous. And I still feel like I can't/don't want to wake up.

Take care
Polar

8:19 PM, October 30, 2005  
Blogger Colm Smyth said...

Sleep doesn't do much for stress, though it is a good way to recover from physical ill-health, like a bout of 'flu.

I think the best stress-busters are:
- take a bath (with bubbles, candles, soft music, whatever)
- laugh (best with a friend or two, but you sometimes can't beat a good movie or a book - try John Irving's "A Prayer For Owen Meany"!)
- exercise
- nature and outdoors
- sex (especially if you can do it while laughing, outdoors, in a bath!)
- last but not least, try to do something simple and practical to fix one of the sources of stress; talk about it with someone to get some fresh ideas

BTW, I was moved by your blog to write a post over at http://colmsmyth.blogspot.com/. You sound like a smart sensitive person, I think your blog helps others to see they are not alone in being in pain - I hope that you can do something to stop the thoughts of harming yourself - you have too much potential not to use it to help yourself and others.

All the best,
Colm.

3:37 PM, October 31, 2005  

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