Pdoc kinda understands

Well at least my pdoc understands a little better what happened. He mentioned seeing me in the hospital before I was transferred, but I don't remember that. He feels that I was self-medicating, lost touch with reality from the state of mind I was in and went way too far. That's probably closer to what happened than my t's version. I know he signed the involuntary admission form, because I looked at my chart in the hospital. But I figured he signed it & dropped it off without seeing me.

I talked him into giving me Valium to help calm my panic attacks. I was having a horrible one in his office, so he could see that I'm not doing better. I just have to be careful with them or I will take more than I should. So instead, since I was doing so awful today, I took one Valium and now I'm drinking to get a little more relief. I figured that might be a bit better than cutting which is what I really want to do. I don't plan on overdoing it, just a beer or two at the most.

The ex and I went for coffee before my appointment. He told me that I had called him from the emergency room raging and in hysterics. Said that either me or one of the nurses hung up on him. He thinks that's when they sedated me. He said shackled me, but like I said, I don't remember being put in restraints. But then again, I don't remember much of anything so maybe they did. I know I have a propensity for violence when I'm out of my mind.

I told my pdoc that I don't understand what the hell is going on with my head. Don't understand why I'm getting worse instead of better. He wasn't any help in offering an explanation, but I'm sure he's as clueless at this point as I am. He did tell me that they are going to be removing Seroquel from the list of meds that Medicaid will cover. I guess he saw the look of panic overtake me because he said he would try to see if he could get that overridden in my case since it's one of the few meds that has helped at least a little. I sure as hell hope I can stay on it. I don't wanna know what he'd use as a replacement. I did ask, but he said not to worry about it just yet. I think he's afraid to have me switch meds for fear I'll get even worse....which is my thought too.

I can't wait til my Medicare takes effect. Hopefully it will open the door to more treatment possibilities than I currently have with Medicaid.