Pretending

I've been doing a lot of pretending that I'm busy when in all actuality I haven't done shit all week. Spent a lot of time in bed, doping myself up on Valium in hopes of passing out before I give into the urges to slice myself to hell or overdose on what little meds I have on hand, which would probably only induce a whole lot of vomiting and no chance of death.

Ms. N and I actually had a decent session today. Clarified some things, started working on others. I even managed to make eye contact with her for all of two minutes (of course not consecutively, but hey, it's progress). On the back of my weekly tracker I listed all the things I'd done over the last week to show her that I've been trying to get out of the house more. That I'm not just sitting around trapped in my own mind.

We agreed that I'd start DBT in December since I missed the group that started earlier this month while I was in the hospital. She's also going to write a referral for me to possible join some day groups as well. I told her I'd meet with the intake person and see what they have to offer, but that I wasn't going to make any guarantees. It's not like a day hospital program where you go 5 days a week from 9 am - 3 pm. I can choose to go when I want, even if it is only one day for one hour.

I'm not even sure this is something my insurance will cover, but we'll see. Of the classes Ms. N mentioned they have, the depression group and the art therapy were the only two I was interested in. The only time I have any artistic talent though is when I'm deeply depressed, so maybe those two aren't a good combination for me.

I wanted to call Tony today, a guy I'd met during my latest inpatient stay. Not cuz I'm attracted to him or anything, but I enjoyed talking with him and just wanted to meet for coffee. My ex is aware that I have his number so the green monster of jealousy is rearing it's ugly head. Told him there's nothing to be jealous of, that I have no interest in this guy other than friendship. Not that I have to make excuses because me & the ex aren't back together or anything yet, I was just being honest.

The tears that I've been struggling to get out still won't come. A few started to flow while Ms. N & I were talking about how I still want to die, but don't want to put my daughter thru that pain. I desperately wanted them to keep coming, but they wouldn't. Wish there was a switch I could turn to flush them out.