Sunday, November 13, 2005

Cried

Last night the ex and I went out for dinner and had a few drinks. We had a nice time and decided to go back to his place to watch a movie. I'd already decided in advance that I wasn't going to have sex with him and made sure he knew it. Anyway, when the movie was over I started to cry but hid it from him.

We then headed outside for a cigarette before I went home. I couldn't contain the tears any longer and just started bawling like a baby. I told him I miss him. I miss what we had because we'd had such an amazing relationship before my symptoms took over my life. Being around him and going out for coffee hasn't really triggered the regret. It was simply doing something we used to do all the time that did it. Sitting watching a movie while he held me close just brought the loss of our marriage speeding to the forefront of my mind like an out of control train. I was helpless to stop it. I cried the whole way home.

I so want to mend our relationship, but I don't even know if that is possible. I don't even know if I still love him. Maybe I'm just lonely and feeling abandoned again. I can't decipher the emotions and thoughts running thru my head. The only thing I'm sure about is that I don't want to waste all this time hoping we'll get back together, only to have nothing happen or have it all fall apart again. I couldn't handle that kind of crushing blow. The first one hurt like hell, a second one would kill me.

3 Comments:

Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

I think when you've been close to someone there's always a sense of connection there and being with that person is almost like stepping back into what was ... it's some familiarity or understanding that seems to always carry over. Anyhow, that's how it feels from my end.

11:53 AM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger James said...

Awwww...I can see how that would be a moment of meloncholy.

I wish I could hug you right now.

Relationships are always tough but even more difficult and heart-breaking for those of us with mental illness.

6:53 PM, November 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you get this message. The last one didnt show up because I didnt verify the letters, stupid me.
But I just want to say that I understand why you feel this way.I to fear things blowing up in my face and will avoid any situation to keep that from happening. This is why Im alone because I cant handle the loss and rejection.

Your just trying to protect yourself because your unable to handle any more pain. Youve been through more pain than a person should have to deal with.
But whatever you decide to do I really hope it works out because I want you to be happy. You deserve it. Ill see ya.

Please take care
of yourself,
Billy

11:30 PM, November 15, 2005  

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