Getting worse...

I guess the pharmacy got things straightened out with the state cuz I was able to pick up my prescriptions today. I tried calling my case worker first to find out what was going on with that and the whole "other insurance" thing they mentioned at my therapist's office, but the phone just rings...guess they haven't ever heard of voice mail there. So I just called the pharmacy to check and they said they were able to get them filled. Good news I suppose, but bad now that I have all these pills at my disposal. 90 new ones plus whatever Valium I have left.

I tried calling lawyers today to get the bankruptcy going, but had to leave messages. I'm hoping to find someone that'll work pro bono or at least on a sliding fee scale, but given that I have to file with the ex since we're both in debt up to our necks and some of it is joint, I don't know if we'll qualify for a reduced fee. I at least know that the new bankruptcy law will not keep us from being able to file a chapter 7 because my disability money is completely exempt and he doesn't make that much. Not sure how it will all work out since we haven't lived together for over 2 years though legally we're still married.

I tried looking online about what the creditor's lawyer said about getting my car repossessed, but couldn't find a complete answer. There's something called a statutory lien which does allow creditors to seize property and sell it, but I don't know if that would apply to my car since I don't officially own it yet. Mazda says they wouldn't repossess it unless I defaulted on the loan, which I haven't. But I was only able to talk to a customer service rep and I know she wouldn't know about laws like this. I did find out though, that if this fucker lied to me and he can't have my car repossessed to pay my credit card debt, I can sue his ass.

Despite those things, I'm still getting worse. I'm now physically sick with worry on top of my still completely unstable mental state. Haven't been able to eat or sleep since Wednesday. Even after taking seroquel and valium each night, I was still wide awake. I constantly feel nauseous and keep vomiting up stomach acid since that's all that's in there. Whatever was still in my digestive system from Wednesday is flooding out my ass as pure liquid. (Yes, I know that's gross, but this is my fucking blog and so I'm gonna write about what fucking happens to me).

I'm raging and still cutting the fuck out of myself. I want to scream and break every fucking thing that's breakable in the house, even my own fucking bones. This is all too much for me. I'm reaching the limit of bullshit and stress that I can withstand. Anything else and I'm a fucking goner for sure, I can guarantee that! FUCK!!!