Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Never would have guessed it

No call from the attorney that was supposed to have called me back in 24 hours, never would have guessed it :::said with complete sarcasm::: since no one ever fucking calls back when they say they will. So I called and left a message for him to call either early tomorrow morning or after 2:30 pm and that it was a desperate situation. The lawyer for the credit card debt called today, refused to accept $100 from me and said he'd see me in court, to get my attorney ready. Fucking nice way to begin my day.

Calling my ex was no help. All he said was they can't take my car and that I need to calm down or I'd end up back in the hospital. To stop panicking and get a grip or he would have to hang up on me. Nice...I support this fucking man even when he's fucking some other bitch, and this is the response I get when I'm completely distraught and just need him to listen??? As if I'm being foolish by getting upset. FUCK!

So I went to this intake thingy within half an hour of getting this disturbing call. Luckily I only took 2 valium prior to driving out there, cuz I so wanted to down whatever I have left. The intern that I was meeting with could tell something was wrong as he made his way thru the questionaire. One of the first questions was "How do you deal with anger?" I told him 90% of the time I stuff it until I can be alone and then take it out on myself. The other 10% I get violent. He asked what I meant by violent so I told him I was trying to stuff my anger at that moment and that if he didn't want to get a first hand look at just how violent I can become, he'd move along on the questionaire.

I reluctantly agreed to go to one group on Monday, 3 groups on Wednesday and one on Thursday. I'll probably drop the Monday one because I only wanted to do Thursday since I already have to go there to see my therapist and one other day. Of course if my car gets taken I won't be able to go any fucking days, so it really won't matter a whole hell of a lot will it??

I'm still very angry and yes, I do have a fresh razorblade sitting here ready to be put into use. It's that or take all these fucking pills...that's the only way I'm going to get relief from this stress, anger, frustration, panic, etc, etc.

I'm angry at myself for not being strong enough to handle the stress. Angry that I got so sick that I ruined my marriage, lost my job and completely ruined the excellent credit I had finally just gotten after having filed bankruptcy the first time. Angry that I have little support. Angry that no one around me seems to have any clue what it's like to have a war raging inside your head 24/7. Angry that I can't seem to help myself get better. Angry that I even have these fucking mental illnesses. Angry that as stressed and upset as I am, I can't fucking cry and I so want to.

I can't contain the rage any longer. It's time to punish myself for being...for just being.


Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

The anger is something I experience intensely and there's the urge or impulse to explode outwards or to do myself harm but to date I've tended to act outwards for the most part: shouting if I can't contain the anger or lashing out at the target of the anger (but this is confined to intimates who push buttons).

The stuff that you're going through right now is incredibly stressful and it's even harder when there doesn't seem to be much support for you.

Where things have got bad for me financially and otherwise I eventually got through it "kicking and screaming" all the way -- but it did pass.

Try not to take this out on yourself. I know it must ease the pressure you're feeling to lash out in some way. But you need to take care of YOU somehow through even the really bad times.

As lame as this sounds, you "just being" is a wonderful thing. You've lightened my load by just sharing your story and by allowing me to focus away from my own pain for a while.

Most events in our lives have a way of taking care of themselves -- they're always in motion. Don't despair!


9:56 AM, November 10, 2005  

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