Tuesday, December 13, 2005

DBT week 2

Since I can't seem to access other people's blogs tonite, guess I'll add onto my own.

Yanno, I think I really fucking need to learn from my first experience with DBT and the Alexian Center and just quit now before I get triggered again. I showed up at just a few minutes before 6:30 pm, which is when the group starts. I didn't see anyone in the waiting room and I ask if they've already gone into the group room. The receptionist tells me I'm the first one!?!?!?!?!

Suddenly I'm consumed by memories of the numerous near cancellations of the other DBT group because people weren't showing up or weren't showing up on time, and I'm overtaken by an overwhelming rage. Fucking people. Once again, as I said during a post about the other group I tried last year, I understand people have emergencies. But there were something like 11 of us on the first day. Today only 3 others besides myself showed up and they were all late.

Um hello people....last week we all signed a commitment form, saying we were going to do this group. Ms. N told me I couldn't miss the group once a month to attend my NAMI meeting because I would miss too much info. And here, it's the second week and already more than half the people didn't show up?? Does anyone understand the word commitment anymore? Do those that come in late think that that group should be run on their schedule and fuck people like me that show up when and where we're supposed to when we've agreed to be there?

The fact that the center allows this kind of behavior is not sitting well with me. Are there separate rules for me? Am I completely missing something? Is there no such thing as common courtesy? No such thing as calling to let someone know you won't be there and providing a reasonable excuse? It's 3 & a half hours after the fact and I'm still pissed as hell!

So anyway, I put my Linkin Park cd's back into the disc changer in my car. I typically put the song "Easier To Run" on repeat so I can hear it several times because the lyrics hold so much meaning to me, especially the following two verses:

Verse 1:

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

Verse 2:
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward
So there'd never be a past

I think they speak for themselves. I think a lot of us with mental illnesses will be able to relate to these lyrics, or those that have suffered some past trauma. To me they define a part of my life I don't think I can ever express myself.

Yes I am finally coming down slightly off my manic state. I'm just so damn exhausted I'm getting very depressed. And yes, my damn elbow is still killing me. The entire thing is swollen. Oh well, think I'm just meant to suffer, both mentally and physically.


Anonymous Anna said...

Honestly, I don't think that us with bpd can follow any type of structure. I'm all over the place and even when I put myself on a schedule I somehow find a way to mess it up. We had to sign a committment for dbt when I was in the class and we started with 12 people and ended with about 4. I didn't show up all the time either and probably should have been kicked out the group as much as I missed.

2:57 AM, December 14, 2005  

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