Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Day 1 of DBT

First day of DBT and I have a massive panic attack during the group...just my luck. I so thought I was either going to puke or pass out. Next week I'm taking some Valium before I leave the house to go there or else I don't think I'll make it thru.

There were 8 people in the group, myself included. 7 women and 1 guy. It was weird to have my therapist helping lead the group because I felt she kept looking at me. Checking to see if I was listening or making eye contact with anyone. Searching for some reaction to the things being discussed. Watching to see if I'd sign the Commit to Wellness form. My affect was blank most of the time until the panic attack started and then I'm sure it was obvious I was in some serious distress.

All we did was discuss what DBT is all about, what is expected of us (ie: show up for groups, keep everything confidential, yada yada yada), what the tracker is and how to rate our misery. Just some of the basics. More than half the group has been thru DBT before but there were a few new people.

What I wonder, since so many of the people have been thru this group before, is how many times will I have to go thru it to see any results. I know I can't predict the future, but I do know myself and where I'm at mentally. I definitely won't see much in the way of measurable changes after going thru the entire program just once.

They talked about the six stages of change. I'm in stage 2, contemplation. Same stage I was at when I tried DBT before. It's the stage where "you think a change would enhance your life. You are aware a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not made a commitment to take action". I agree with the first part, change would probably enhance my life. But I still don't feel anything will help to enhance it. That I'm destined to die by my own hand.

I didn't sign the commit to wellness page. The sheet says that to commit you have to "trust in your treatment team", which I don't yet; and "taking the risk to trust yourself and the unknown", which I'm also not ready to do yet. I'm curious to see if Ms. N asks about that when I see her next Monday. Guess we shall see.

Tomorrow I have two groups during the day and then in the evening it's off to the kiddie's orchestra concert. I'm so tired I just want to sleep. But I'm sure I'll drag my sorry ass out of bed and do both things. Maybe I can get a nap in between the groups and the concert.


Blogger Suzanne said...

I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I've just started Schema Therapy (about 6 weeks ago) and although the promised end is "recovered borderline" I don't really feel that it applies to *me*. I don't really feel like I'll ever be free of this... how can therapy really work for me? Like you I think suicide will probably end it all. :( Sorry to sound so negative - it's just that I want so much to be free from Borderline, but I just don't believe it's in my destiny.

4:31 AM, December 07, 2005  
Anonymous Anna said...

I went through dbt once but was told that you need to go through it twice to get the effect. It didn't do anything for me. But everyone's different. When I was there a lot of people dropped out of the group by the 4th session.

5:09 PM, December 07, 2005  

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