Sunday, December 04, 2005

Stayed home

Didn't make it to my brother's play. Woke up this morning feeling ill again. Weak and achy all over like I'm getting the flu, but no fever today. I called my sister and told her I couldn't go, then went back to bed til about 2 pm. Think keeping busy is just physically and emotionally wiping me out. How will I ever be able to go back to school or even work if I can't handle doing the little bit I'm doing now?

I didn't take my meds today, so I've been on the verge of tears for awhile now. Reading Shannin's goodbye sent the tears flowing. Her post really got me thinking. I've never been very good at relationships. I certainly try, but I guess there's something I'm not getting and I'm pretty sure what it is. I get so caught up in my own misery that I don't give attention to those around me that are always there trying to support me. My daughter sometimes doesn't even get my attention, though for the most part I do force myself to be there for her because I need and want her to believe she's important to me and the world because she is.

At the moment, I can say I have two friends in real life. I don't see either of them often, we do most of our communicating thru the internet. But we do go out together on occasion. One is my buddy Belinda, who I went out with last month, a woman I used to work with at my last job. The other is Kerry, the woman that headed our team of walkers for the suicide prevention fundraiser over the summer. We've been more in contact by email lately because one of her daughters has been very sick. I'm supposed to head out to her house next Sunday for a marathon Christmas cookie making session.

I've made a couple of cyber friends over the years that I consider close friends. My buddy Janice that I've chatted with for close to 10 years now both online and very occasionally over the phone. She's been busy working and stuff, so we haven't had much contact lately. I know I could call her at any time, I'm just not big on chatting on the phone. Then there's Bobbie, who I've also know close to 10 years from the same chatroom as Janice. But again, we do more chatting online than on the phone.

Maybe I need to learn to be comfortable on the phone. When someone calls, they usually end up doing most of the talking. I can ask them lots of questions, but I don't like to have attention focused on me. I'm usually a miserable wretch and try my best not to suck others down into my misery.

I'm supposed to meet someone later this week, a possible new friend, but I fear that I've been scaring her by talking about myself. My own insecurities I'm sure, but it's the reality that I live with each day. I typically don't care what strangers think of me. I can go to the store and make a complete fool of myself in front of people I don't know, but once I make a connection, be it even a small one, I suddenly feel insecure about who I am. About what I have to offer them.

Ah life, I just don't think I'll ever get the hang of it.


Blogger marie said...

Sid, I know what you mean. These days it takes all that is in me to even WANT to get out of bed and function.

It really sucks about Shannin. I guess she needs a break. We all do from time to time. I will truly miss her even though she does not really consider me a friend.

I too, have a hard time maintaining relationships. I too play the pity party card. I have said before that only ones who suffer from mental illness can truly relate to what we live with every day. I feel that you, me, shannin and sans have a connection. I hope you will continue to read and comment on my blog. I want so much to get out of this lonely rutt I created for myself!

Sid, please take care.

2:27 PM, December 05, 2005  

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