Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Hyper-mania day 3

I'm starting to get a migraine from this lack of sleep. Feels like someone keeps hammering spikes into the sides of my head. My concentration is failing, though that could easily be from my hyperness.

Fucked with the computer some more today. Got the sound card in and loaded the software for it, but it isn't working like it should. I at least have sound despite rarely ever turning the speakers on. I'm usually listening to the ipod with the Bose sound deck. Funny, I spend so much money on my daughter, yet spend little on myself. If I was buying the sound deck for myself, I wouldn't have shelled out $300 for the best one, I would have bought the cheapest one with the best sound.

I desperately need a winter coat. I've had the same one for about 5 or 6 years already and the zipper finally broke. Sears is having a 50% off sale on everything in the store for two days, think Wed & Thurs, so I'll just see what I can find there. I don't typically shop at that store, but the jacket I have cost $450 new and I certainly can't afford to spend that now. I'm hoping to find something for less than $80.

It really sucks being poor. I grew up poor and mostly had to wear either hand-me-downs or clothes my mother made. I did really well for awhile there around 1995-2000 where hubby & I had a lot of money, but now I'm back to being poor and I hate it. I hate not being able to go out to eat whenever I feel like it. I hate not being able to buy clothes that I desperately need. I hate not being able to afford anything nice. Sometimes I can barely afford the necessities.

I finally figured out what I was forgetting to do that wasn't on my calendar...the appointment we had with the high school counselor to start scheduling classes for next year. Of course now I have to change the appointment because the kiddie came home today and said her orchestra concert is that same nite and time.

I'm feeling stressed again. I can't think properly in order to organize my time better. Today I jumped from working on the computer to working on the bankruptcy to calling the mental health center about changing my group schedule to reading a magazine to printing pictures for the kiddie to watching tv to talking to the ex about the bankruptcy to cleaning the bunny cage. I'm doing a lot, but I don't ever feel like I'm accomplishing anything. That to me is very stressful.

I know the whole idea about splitting larger tasks into smaller ones to make them more manageable. About writing out a "to do" list and doing at least one or two things a day. These fucking meds have got me so whacked out I want to do everything all at once. I have a "to do" list, but I just keep adding to it. My mind is whizzing around at top speed and all these things I think I need to do just keep popping into my head. Least I'm writing them down before I forget them again. If I'm still fucked up like this on Monday, I'm calling the pdoc.


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