Been away

Been away from the computer for a few days because:
1) I started these stupid ass groups at the mental health center during the day.
2) After I get home from said groups the kiddie is home from school and takes over the computer until 11 pm when she has to go to bed.
3) Due to the high winds we've been experiencing since Monday, it's been hit or miss if the internet is even going to work.

So about these damn groups. Monday I only have one, called Roads to Recovery. Wanna know what we did?? Talked about bipolar for the whole hour. That'd be great if I had bipolar that I needed to be on the road to recovery from. I'll go again next week, but if they aren't offering up any information that's useful to me, I'm quitting that one.

Tuesday I can't remember what the hell I did. I don't have groups, so I think I probably slept all day. I know in the evening we went to a meeting at my daughter's school about registering for high school. HOLY FUCKING SHIT...my child is going to high school next year!! I should be starting to feel old, but I still feel like a retarded 13 yr old.

Yesterday I had three groups. First one was Self Esteem. We were given a worksheet to fill out to determine our level of self esteem. BAD IDEA. Out of a possible 120 points, I got a mere 14. Didn't help with my feelings of defectiveness any except to provide written proof that I am defective. Then they had us fill out another sheet where we were supposed to mark off our strengths so we'd have something to refer back to when we're getting down on ourselves and we can say "hey, I'm strong in this area, blah, blah, blah". BAD IDEA again, especially for someone with borderline. Out of 130 possible strengths that were listed, I could only check 16. I supposed 16 is better than nothing, but 16 compared to 130 really fucking sucks. So that only succeeded in bolstering my feelings of worthlessness.

Second group was Anxiety something or other. We paired off and role played. I was none too thrilled with that seeing as how it was my first day and I really didn't fucking want to talk to anyone. The role playing consisted of one of us being the patient and the other being the therapist and then we switched. We were given two scenarios, one was that we suffered from panic attacks in general and the other was that we had to fly home for the holidays but get panic attacks when flying. We were supposed to problem solve and offer suggestions to each other as to how to deal with the attacks when we were in the therapist role. It was complete bullshit that neither me nor my partner wanted to do so we just talked about panic attacks. Turns out he also gets them in the middle of the night for no apparent reason like I do.

Third group was Art Therapy. Here's how the brilliant mind of the therapist that runs the group works. Since it's Thanksgiving next week, she wanted us to make cards for someone in our family using those stamps ya press on an ink pad and then onto the paper. Um hello??? What are we? Fucking six year olds?? I refused to do that so she asks if I want to color. Ok, she just regressed from thinking of us as 6 yr olds to thinking I'm a 3 yr old. How fucking lame.

I'm not going to any groups next Wednesday because it's "fun, games & party" day for the holiday and I'm not interested in doing that kind of crap. I can stay home with my daughter and have more fun playing games than I could with a bunch of people I don't know and where alcohol is prohibited. I'll give the art therapy one more shot the following week, but if she asks us to do more lame shit, I'm quitting that group too.

So overall, joining these groups has not been a positive experience. Later today I have my last group of the week, Emotional Insight. I'm getting concerned now because I just looked and it's being held in the same room as the art therapy. There isn't anything in that room except art supplies and storage shit. I know other group rooms are open because there's only one other group at that time so I'm kinda worried we'll be doing more retarded art related activities. UGH!

I also see my therapist tomorrow, after the group. I can't wait to tell her that if the groups continue to offer me nothing, I'm dropping them all. This has just been a really frustrating week. And I get to end it with meeting an attorney Friday night about the bankruptcy...joy. Someone please shoot me, please!