Saturday, November 26, 2005

Short break

That was a hell of a short break. Actually I'm still on a break, but I've been drinking so I'm kind of chatty tonight. Or is it typey since I'm on the computer? Who fucking cares. Beer + meds = WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Anyway, I'm only drinking because the stressors are getting to be too much. I just wanted to numb myself for awhile. The latest stressor was added on Tuesday when I saw my pdoc, as if I needed another one. The fucker isn't going to appeal to Medicaid to keep me on Seroquel like he said he would. He told me they aren't covering it any more so we need to switch. Just what I didn't need right now, to have my med routine uprooted. He added Abilify to the Zoloft I take in the morning or whenever I remember to take it. Then instead of Seroquel, he gave me Remeron.

Now I've been on Remeron before, a fact he is well aware of because he's the one that put me on it. It doesn't make me sleepy. Not even a little bit. I want my fucking Seroquel back! It was starting to not work as well, so I was hoping he'd just up the dose, not take it away from me completely.

I do have a script for one more month of Seroquel that he doesn't know about. When I went in last month to get my prescriptions, apparently I still had a refill for it in the system so they filled that one and gave me back the script the pdoc had just written. I can't get it filled until around Dec 8th, same time as the Zoloft, but you bet your ass I'm going to fill it and keep taking it.

I was surprised to find out I had a refill of Seroquel. When they requested that my family bring all my meds to the hospital at the beginning of October, I figured the hospital would have called the pharmacy and told them to remove any remaining refills on any of the meds that were turned in. Apparently not. The hospital just disposed of the meds I had, or more likely, I think they passed 'em out to the patients.

The fact that they didn't call the pharmacy leaves me with a sobering thought, and a good one at that....I still have a refill sitting in the computer for the "deadly if overdosed on" Nortriptyline that I can get filled. Pills to start restocking my stash with! I've already been restocking it with Valium. I'm allowed 2 Valium a day, but most days I only take one and just deal with the anxiety in other ways. I then hide the extra pill away, in a new hiding place since my mother knows where I used to hide my stash.

I was chatting on AOL earlier with my old friend that screwed me over with her psychologist hubby. I was very surprised when she IM'd me because she's the one that said she could no longer be friends with me. It was mostly small talk about how our kids are doing and how our siblings are doing. She then asks how I'm doing. Told her I'm hanging in there but that I'm struggling. Told her about my overdose at the end of September and being back in the hospital. That kind of shut her up. She doesn't really want to know how I'm doing. She wants me to tell her everything is just peachy, which I refuse to do. My life isn't as pleasant as her's is. I suffer. She works hard and deals with a lot of stress, but she was taught by her father how to handle it. She thrives in a demanding environment. I just shut down.

Fuck it, now I'm turning into angry drunk, not just numb drunk. Think I'd best stop here.


Blogger marie said...

Sid, Welcome Back Babe! I made some drastic changes to the blog and a realistic admission. I am glad to see you are feeling better. Check it out when you can. Take care of yourself!

9:42 PM, November 26, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cant handle stress well either. I just want to crawl into the darkness and hide away from the world rather than have to face stress.
Im sorry about the appeal. I hope something can be done so you can get your meds.

And Im with you about the alcohol, it seems like nothing else works quite as well when it comes to numbing the pain and stress.
Although Im really sick at the thought of alcohol right now, for Ive been drunk all week. But I dont think theres any way I could have gotten through this week if I wasnt. Its a lifesaver sometimes but only a temporary fix really.

Im glad it put you back in the mood to write for now. Just glad to know your o.k. Well maybe not o.k but still surviving, and I hope when you sober up youll still feel up to doing something.
See ya and take care of yourself.


10:36 PM, November 26, 2005  
Anonymous sodajerk said...

meds and beer,it does the job.

12:05 PM, November 27, 2005  
Blogger James said...

I feel for ya girl. I'd be pissed too if my pdoc took away my seroquel.

Damn doctors.

12:28 PM, November 27, 2005  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

I get the impression that not many ppl can deal with the bad stuff. Not sure why. Maybe it's intimidating to some and totally alien to others, so they just don't know how to handle it.

I know what you mean about the suffering. It's going to send me around the twist: it never ends. Even where I'm not actively making myself miserable by dwelling on things, it's this gnawing black spot somewhere inside of me.

Take care.

12:34 PM, November 28, 2005  

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