Short break

That was a hell of a short break. Actually I'm still on a break, but I've been drinking so I'm kind of chatty tonight. Or is it typey since I'm on the computer? Who fucking cares. Beer + meds = WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Anyway, I'm only drinking because the stressors are getting to be too much. I just wanted to numb myself for awhile. The latest stressor was added on Tuesday when I saw my pdoc, as if I needed another one. The fucker isn't going to appeal to Medicaid to keep me on Seroquel like he said he would. He told me they aren't covering it any more so we need to switch. Just what I didn't need right now, to have my med routine uprooted. He added Abilify to the Zoloft I take in the morning or whenever I remember to take it. Then instead of Seroquel, he gave me Remeron.

Now I've been on Remeron before, a fact he is well aware of because he's the one that put me on it. It doesn't make me sleepy. Not even a little bit. I want my fucking Seroquel back! It was starting to not work as well, so I was hoping he'd just up the dose, not take it away from me completely.

I do have a script for one more month of Seroquel that he doesn't know about. When I went in last month to get my prescriptions, apparently I still had a refill for it in the system so they filled that one and gave me back the script the pdoc had just written. I can't get it filled until around Dec 8th, same time as the Zoloft, but you bet your ass I'm going to fill it and keep taking it.

I was surprised to find out I had a refill of Seroquel. When they requested that my family bring all my meds to the hospital at the beginning of October, I figured the hospital would have called the pharmacy and told them to remove any remaining refills on any of the meds that were turned in. Apparently not. The hospital just disposed of the meds I had, or more likely, I think they passed 'em out to the patients.

The fact that they didn't call the pharmacy leaves me with a sobering thought, and a good one at that....I still have a refill sitting in the computer for the "deadly if overdosed on" Nortriptyline that I can get filled. Pills to start restocking my stash with! I've already been restocking it with Valium. I'm allowed 2 Valium a day, but most days I only take one and just deal with the anxiety in other ways. I then hide the extra pill away, in a new hiding place since my mother knows where I used to hide my stash.

I was chatting on AOL earlier with my old friend that screwed me over with her psychologist hubby. I was very surprised when she IM'd me because she's the one that said she could no longer be friends with me. It was mostly small talk about how our kids are doing and how our siblings are doing. She then asks how I'm doing. Told her I'm hanging in there but that I'm struggling. Told her about my overdose at the end of September and being back in the hospital. That kind of shut her up. She doesn't really want to know how I'm doing. She wants me to tell her everything is just peachy, which I refuse to do. My life isn't as pleasant as her's is. I suffer. She works hard and deals with a lot of stress, but she was taught by her father how to handle it. She thrives in a demanding environment. I just shut down.

Fuck it, now I'm turning into angry drunk, not just numb drunk. Think I'd best stop here.