Friday, December 02, 2005

Extra loopy

I've been extra loopy lately. Just living up to my aol screen name I guess. I forgot the kiddie and I were going to the in-store signing to meet Korn today, so I told my sister yesterday that I'd babysit her kids today. Luckily my kiddie wasn't disappointed. She's not really a Korn fan anyway, I think she just wanted to be able to tell her friends she met them. I'm disappointed that I didn't meet them though.

Today's events went as follows: Got up at 8 am to make sure the kiddie was awake & getting ready for school. Set alarm for 9:30 am so I could maybe shower before heading to my emotional insight group & appointment with Ms. N. Hit snooze 5 times and had only enough time to wash my hair, face & teeth before having to run out the door. Group went well, but it's the last time I'll be doing groups on Thursday. Visit with Ms. N went well too, clarified a few things about the DBT group starting next week. From there I headed to my sister's to watch my nieces. Youngest niece (she's only 3) is sick and suddenly decides she doesn't want the tv on anymore. She turns it off, takes the remote & runs down the hall. When I try to get it from her, she gets mad & throws it across her parent's bedroom. I tell her to go to her room so she slams the door shut, locks it and proceeds to fall asleep right behind it. I unlock the door half an hour later and can't push it open cuz she's in the way. Had to watch the kids for about 3 hours but it seemed like an eternity.

Leave, get home just in time for dinner. After dinner head right out to the mall because I desperately need a winter coat. Kiddie agrees to come with. First place we stop, PacSun. End up buying kiddie 2 pairs of jeans. Wondering to myself, how is it that I go shopping for something I need, but end up buying the kiddie stuff she doesn't really need. Look at Sears, Carson's, Burlington Coat Factory, JC Penney and finally Kohl's. Apparently most of those stores think that fat people only wear ugly wool coats, where as I was looking for a ski jacket. Realize once again why I hate shopping, cuz I can never find anything I like that fits. Finally break down and head to the men's department at Kohl's. Bought a man's jacket for $40 and a fleece jacket for $25. More than I wanted to spend, but less than I thought I'd actually end up wasting. Don't mind buying men's coats, my last one was cuz I didn't like all the girly colors they had at the time, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to buy one this time.

Ex meets us at the mall since he didn't feel like going home. First thing he asks.."can I borrow some money til payday?" I ignore his request at first but then when I go to the ATM, I get pissed as hell that I'm living on such a limited income and he keeps asking me for money. But I give it to him anyway, cuz I'm a fucking idiot that needs to be shot in the head.

I so want to stop taking all these meds. I feel like I'm ballooning up every day. Getting fatter and fatter like Violet in Willy Wonka. I have gained a lot of weight since I've been taking these psychotropic meds. I'm afraid to get on a scale and see how bad it is. The highest weight I'd ever reached before going on these drugs was 210, and that was when I was 9 months preggers with my daughter. Lost most of it after I gave birth. Now I'm afraid I weigh that again or even more. It's disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I don't buy new clothes very often because the selection in the "women's" department seems to be focused towards grannies.

The thoughts in my head are still running crazy. I only have 7 more days of Seroquel and then I'm really screwed. The thoughts are going to go rampant and I may just end up placing a power drill to my head to scramble my brain to mush.

(No I haven't proof-read any of my posts for the last 2 weeks, so if there are errors, I don't really care right now)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know where your coming from, Ive gained 15 lbs and no matter what I do it wont come off. I feel like a disguisting pig and cant fit into any of my clothes. Im tempted to just stop taking all of my pills. What good are meds if their just going to make us fat and miserable. I rather be thin and miserable.


3:09 PM, December 02, 2005  
Anonymous Anna said...

Yeah, I hate taking my meds as well. My family doc changed me from Paxil CR to Prozac because he didn't want me to gain too much weight and trigger my ed. It's a shame that you have to gain weight in order to feel a little better.

5:57 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger BipolarPrincess said...

P-doc wants me to go on Lithium but after losing 70 lbs after getting off Depakote I'm scared to death. Are you on public aid? They won't pay for my Seroquel anymore, it isn't medically necessary. Let them read my blog about sticking forks in people's eyes and they will see medically necessary.

6:55 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger marie said...

Sid, I am too soooo afraid that my current cocktail will put back the 70+ pounds it took me well over a year to lose. I am starting to fell remotely comfortable in my own skin.

I am afraid however that I will NEVER be 100% comfortable in my own skin since I have a huge body image problem. Please take care of yourself.

P.S Your ex sounds like a freeloader.Or do I exaggerate?

1:04 AM, December 03, 2005  

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