Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Is it blogger or is it me?

I'm still having trouble reading posts on Blogger and it's pissing me off. Pages look like they'll open but never do. Eventually I get a message that says "Site not responding". Funny I can't read blogs, but I can post to mine though.

Today I hated our first group, self esteem. We were looking at cognitive distortions again, only this time they split us up into groups of three. We were handed a page with the one distortion on it and we had to come up with a scenario when it would be used and how we would counteract the distortion. I was stuck in a group with two guys, one of which I've talked to on several occasions, but not by choice. He's Iranian and a bit hard to understand but seems to love to talk to me. I didn't know the other guy, can't even remember his name.

I don't like working in a group on anything. But I also don't like working on thought distortions because who's to say if it truly is a distortion or not? Just because someone else may view it as being one, doesn't mean it necessarily is. If I say I'm lazy because I didn't do anything except lay in bed all day when I had things I had to do and easily could have done them, that does mean I'm lazy. There's no distortion there. But they want us to be all optimistic rather than pessimistic. I'm supposed to tell myself I may have stayed in bed, but maybe that particular day I just needed extra rest and that I'm not lazy because I've done things other days. To me the first thought that I'm lazy is the truth and not a distortion at all.

I was very angry today as well, so I didn't want to be in groups at all. But unlike the fucks in my DBT group, I made a commitment to attend the groups and the only ones I've missed are the day before Thanksgiving ones where they weren't doing actual group related projects, but instead were having fun & games; and the groups Monday because I was in the ER. So I went to the groups today, though I did cut out half an hour early from the second one because I was feeling very sick to my stomach. I'd gotten up once to go to the bathroom because I thought I would throw up right there, but the feeling wouldn't go away so I went home.

I slept for about an hour today after I came home. Couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Wish I would just have slept til tomorrow and hopefully feel rested for once, but I'm just not that lucky. I'm not feeling manic anymore. I think the exhaustion is wearing on me so much that I'm not all hyper but I still can't sleep. One of my borderline symptoms has been rearing it's ugly head...self injury in the form of shopping. I've almost overdrawn my checking account, I've spent the $200 my ex gave me and I have no money left to make my car payment. I've just been shopping, shopping, shopping and I can't seem to stop. It's not even like I'm getting a high off it like some people do. It's just this compulsion that I can't contain.

I returned the sweatshirt I bought the kiddie yesterday, the exact same one she bought for herself yesterday. Got a $42 credit to my checking account. So what do I do? Even knowing how little money I have left, I went to another store and spent $46 on more presents for her. I kept telling myself I was just going to return the item and then leave the mall. I couldn't even make myself do that one simple task. Ugh. I'm going to crash hard soon...please just let it be after January 14th, PLEASE!


Blogger mizeeyore said...

hey Sid:

sorry your day didnt go well for you ((((((((((((Sid)))))))))))))

well at least i hope this will bring a smile -- i got the planner you sent! i LOVE it and i am going to start using it right away. thank you ever so much.

hang in there hon. dont let negativity rent free space in your head!

thanks again

10:27 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

During my travels on the web I came across material on cognitive distortions arising out of negativity/low self esteem (or the reverse, in some cases where ppl build themselves up unrealistically).

I'm probably guilty of distorting things when something goes bad for me. If someone's unpleasant or something, I take a black approach to everything either feeling a "loser" or feeling "everyone's an arsehole". I'm not sure that's a good example but that's just one of my things.

In terms of what's "lazy" or not, maybe it sometimes helps to take a positive spin on things. "Lazy" is loaded with condemnation, whereas "unmotivated" (for example) is perhaps a little kinder to oneself. And, let's face it, sometimes it's not easy having motivation if we're adrift alone or if we've hit a downward spiral.

You've brought up some interesting stuff in this post about your sessions -- thanks for sharing.


6:57 AM, December 17, 2005  

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