Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Which is the lesser

I've come to a fork in the road. I can choose to die or I can choose the only option my pdoc offered up today, hospitalize me for a minimum of two weeks and fry my brain with ECT again. I feel like I'm trying to vote for president...which one is the lesser of two evils?

His concern is that if I don't agree to his plan, I'll end up in the hospital anyway or dead, saying it as if death was a such horrible thing. He also gave me a new diagnosis, which I looked up online when I got home tonight. Apparently he now thinks I'm bipolar, though he said nothing to me about it. I told him last month I was only manic because of that damn Abilify shit. I'm not bipolar. Last thing I need is another mental illness diagnosis. It's like they're ramming another nail in my coffin. Let's tell her she's even more screwed up, as if being severely depressed, anxiety ridden and borderline weren't enough to deal with.

My head is so fucked up right now I can't even think. It's so incredibly tempting to just overdose and hope I don't fail again. But I've refrained so far from doing that. Last night I double up my meds, taking 300 mgs of Seroquel and 20 mgs of Valium. Did that because the first doses didn't do anything. Then after I drove my daughter to school I took another 150 mgs of Seroquel and 10 mgs of Valium so I could sleep all day and not have to face the world until it was time to pick the kiddie up from school. That's my plan for tonight and tomorrow as well. If I'm sleeping, I can't harm myself.

My pdoc tried to reach my therapist while I was in his office "to discuss my treatment plan". I think it was more to see if I'd mentioned suicide to her so he could admit me against my will. Fortunately all he got was her voice mail. So he left a message saying it was urgent and to have his answering service contact him.

I don't remember mentioning suicide to her, so I think I'm safe in that respect. She also mentioned possibly doing ECT, so now it's two against one. But I know they can't make me do it, ultimately it's my choice.

For now, I'm just going to heavily drug myself and sleep.


Blogger James said...

I usually do the sleep it off trick too but lately I've been racked with nightmares. FUCK. Can't even get relief from sleeping!!

Anyway, you can probably tell I'm not in a good spot either. Let's just hide under our beds until things pass.

2:16 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Better to hide under the covers and sleep than ECT, Sid.

ECT really fucks up the brain. But you know that, of course.

6:20 PM, January 18, 2006  

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