In case you're reading this
The following is to the ex...err, stupid fuckhead, in case you're reading this blog.
What changes if you die? Huh? How would your dying in any way change what happens in my life? Today you wanted me to promise that I'll hold myself together for the sake of our daughter if anything ever happens to you because you think you're sick and without ever visiting a doctor you're predicting it's something deadly serious.
Like I told you on the phone, I don't have a choice in the matter. I don't have a choice about whether to hold myself together or not, even if you remain alive. You don't support your child, not financially, not emotionally, not at all, so why should I have to promise you anything when it comes to her? Do you honestly believe that I have failed to die because I'm too inept, too weak or too scared to go through with something that would truly be fatal? I'm still alive because of the choice I made just over 16 years ago, the commitment I took on, to have a child. I'm still alive because I'm not stupid enough to believe that there is anyone else in her life willing to step up to the plate to love, nurture and support her through life the way I do, the way she deserves, not even her own father.
No matter how far removed from reality I am, no matter how intensely focused I am on dying, all those times that it seems I'm thinking of nothing but my own depression, self-loathing and all the other negatives that make my life hell on earth, thoughts of her still flood my mind. The times that I have voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital, those are the times when my desire to die was defeated by the love I have for her and the realization that I will be killing her own will to live if I kill myself. So I seek out the only safe place for me to be during those times. Even though for a week or so it is difficult on her, she understands that it is temporary and she would rather have me in the hospital alive than to lose me forever.
The times where I have been involuntarily admitted to the hospital, even the times when I was so far gone mentally that it seemed I wasn't even aware there were other human beings on earth with me, the times where I was in the midst of swallowing lethal doses of medications, I know that it was thoughts of her that kept me from finishing myself off, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. She is the only thing that stands between me and death's door, and even in the most insane of moments, she is a formidable sanity that is nearly impossible to break through.
You tell me you're sick, as if I'm supposed to have sympathy for you. I'm sorry, but after all we've been through, after all the actual truths I've learned about the man I thought I knew, I feel nothing. I'm not going to offer you pity or a shoulder to cry on. I'm not going to be the rock to support you if you truly are very sick and you should have no expectations that I would offer any of that to you. I will remain as I was today, indifferent yet offering the voice of reason. Told you that if you thought you were that sick, than you should go see a doctor. That's all you'll get out of me and that's probably more than you deserve.
This may come off as cold and heartless, but I don't care if you're sick or even if you die. I feel as if this is merely another attempt at emotional blackmail. You want something from me so I can only assume that you've read this blog and know that I am standing 100% firm on the issues of bankruptcy, divorce and child support. I will not allow myself to be manipulated by you again and give you any more time. Your time ran out 4 years ago.