Thursday, January 19, 2006

Maybe

This may be my last post for awhile, may be my last post ever. Things have just progressed to the point that I don't know if I should follow my heart or listen to my head. I'll probably end up breaking down and following my heart, which means I'll be in the hospital for awhile, hating myself every day for being there and not having the strength to just say good bye for the last time. Hating myself for bringing a child into the world who deserves so much more than I have to offer her.

It's a vicious cycle, depression. There doesn't have to be a trigger for it to consume you in darkness. It just slams you down when you least expect it and in the process drives everyone away. Everyone becomes fearful that your madness will rub off on them. That they too will be consumed by the mass of dark misery that surrounds you.

I don't believe in the saying that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Living with mental illness doesn't make you stronger. It beats you down to the point you no longer have the strength to get back up. You lay there, a lump of nothingness, waiting for death to grab your hand and take you to the grave. Why won't he grab my hand? I've held it out to him for years.

I thank all of you that have tried to offer words of support and encouragement. I don't mean to turn a blind eye to them all, but where I'm at mentally, they hold little meaning. They're just words on the screen. I know that there are people behind those words. People that know the suffering mental illness causes and I know your words are offered with sincerity, and I do appreciate that.

But for now, and maybe forever, good bye.

12 Comments:

Blogger Cinthia said...

I sure hope this is not your last post, Sid. I've just stumbled upon your blog but from reading a few of your posts, I see that you are a wonderful writer who inspires her readers and is able to take them into her world and really help them understand how she feels. I've been depressed, too, and it is by reading blogs like yours that I've managed to hang on to life. I figure that if these people who are going through so much worse than me can go on, then so can I! Please hang in there, Sid.

9:21 AM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

hi Sid:

yes i do understand how the grip of depression can make you feel like u are a prisoner in your own mind; the struggles those of us who suffer from it no one understands except those who suffer too. i've been down for the last couple of days as well, and i am so sorry that you are not in a good place right now. but please dont stop writing. i can certainly understand the need to pull away for a while, so you do what you need to do for YOU.

those of us who have come to know you and love you thru our respective blogs, just know that we are here for you. i miss chatting with you on Yahoo, but again, i do understand if you need a break.

i dont know if these words i write make any sense, i hope that they do. i empathize with you the feeling of not having much to offer my daughters because of this fucking illness that has literally drained me dry. yet i keep on fighting, even tho i know it's a losing battle.

just know that we care.
((((((((((((Sid)))))))))

love
genelle

10:51 AM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger BipolarPrincess said...

Sid,
I can't begin to imagine how it feels to be in the place you are at, I've always been more manic than depressed. Just know that we are all here for you, and even though you don't believe, I pray for peace in your heart and mind.

Love,
Nicole

4:07 PM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger Shannin said...

i know there is nothing i can say.. for in the years i have "known" you we have gone back and forth with this... one or both of us swearing it is the end, and truly believing it, wishing with all our hearts for it to be true... the other hoping with everything we have that the other can make it through just one more time....... and, again, i am here hoping... just one more time, sid....

take care of you... you can always call me, of course....

lots of love always... ::smoochies::
shannin

3:10 PM, January 21, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I have been thinking about stopping my Sanitarium blog too. I understand if you need to take some space. I hope that you do not end up in the hospital sweetie.

I send you my love.

2:10 PM, January 24, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

I hope to see you on again soon.

In the hospital is probably best. Inpatient vs the morgue. I hope that you reconsidered.

Borderline sucks. I know it, you know it.

9:22 PM, January 24, 2006  
Blogger Shannin said...

shit.. i have been BEGGING for the hospital... hubby wont take me...says i just want a vacation and am being selfish.... off to chew more pills... and take a nap in the the garage with the running car....
if you CAN go to the hopital, GO, for those of us that can not...
love you sid...

3:22 PM, January 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid, I also hope we'll be hearing more from you -- I don't want to lose contact.

Sorry things are so hard for you right now.

Do what you need to do -- if you need to admit yourself to hospital, then so be it. Do whatever it takes to survive.

As mentioned on Cat's blog, I've had to drop out of the Purge blog as the significant other is now privy to the blog and I no longer feel secure letting it all hang out online via that avenue -- so I'm going through the laborious process of deleting traces of me.

But I'll e-mail everyone individually with a new URL in future and I'll be keeping in touch otherwise.


Take care, Ms Jane

5:54 PM, January 25, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

sid,
i hope you are okay. i know how hard it is when you are feeling so low and everyone wants you to hang on and all you want to do is let go. so i won't add the hang on speech.

8:37 PM, January 31, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Sid I understand and sympathize more than you can imagine. My heart is breaking for you and I just beg you to please hold on.
I too have left my blog and even if I could post I probably wouldnt much, I dont feel much up to it either. But I want you to keep posting so I can know how your doing, I need to know your o.k.

Im always going to be checking on you when I can get to the library.
Im so sorry its not getting better. I wish so much I knew what to say but Im not sure I can help, I cant even help myself. But I can be here for you offering my prayers and support. Please try and hang in there o.k?

Many Hugs,
Billy

3:40 PM, February 01, 2006  
Blogger Shannin said...

OH, Sid, your fucking killing me here.... I'm emailing and emailing... commenting... a sign of life, please. I know how very, very hard it is. I do. Please just let me know my friend is ok. I understand isolation... you know, I do. Can your sister email me?
love always... your friend forever,
Shan

1:05 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Shannin said...

just a quick "sid is alive and well" note for everyone... whew...

10:14 PM, February 03, 2006  

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