Maybe

This may be my last post for awhile, may be my last post ever. Things have just progressed to the point that I don't know if I should follow my heart or listen to my head. I'll probably end up breaking down and following my heart, which means I'll be in the hospital for awhile, hating myself every day for being there and not having the strength to just say good bye for the last time. Hating myself for bringing a child into the world who deserves so much more than I have to offer her.

It's a vicious cycle, depression. There doesn't have to be a trigger for it to consume you in darkness. It just slams you down when you least expect it and in the process drives everyone away. Everyone becomes fearful that your madness will rub off on them. That they too will be consumed by the mass of dark misery that surrounds you.

I don't believe in the saying that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Living with mental illness doesn't make you stronger. It beats you down to the point you no longer have the strength to get back up. You lay there, a lump of nothingness, waiting for death to grab your hand and take you to the grave. Why won't he grab my hand? I've held it out to him for years.

I thank all of you that have tried to offer words of support and encouragement. I don't mean to turn a blind eye to them all, but where I'm at mentally, they hold little meaning. They're just words on the screen. I know that there are people behind those words. People that know the suffering mental illness causes and I know your words are offered with sincerity, and I do appreciate that.

But for now, and maybe forever, good bye.